Jeremy…
Jeremy is the name that repeats itself in my head.
Day in and day out, I hear it; lying in my bed.
Jeremy is the man I see in my dreams at night;
My hero saving me from the dark and guiding me to light.
Jeremy is the object of my affection,
The supposed lover of my imperfection.
The man that makes me want to cry,
And laugh,
And scream,
And run and hide.
He is my teacher, my lover, my bestest friend.
He can break my heart and make it mend.
Jeremy, after a long, lonely day is always there.
For no matter how long, if only a moment; he’s there.
I hear his voice and I know his scent;
I love him always; 100 percent.
Jeremy is who makes me warm,
Who chases back the cold with the comfort of his form.
I’m lost in the memory of his embrace,
The feel of his kiss; his taste…
He tells me things that make it hurt;
This love we have can never work.
My heart’s so full it might explode
My head’s so hurt from this heavy load.
I’m commiting the slowest form of suicide.
I don’t know what I’ll do when I’m no longer by his side.
In his bed,
His arms,
His thoughts,
And his heart.
Jeremy…
I say it out loud and almost cry.
I don’t want to think about it anymore, but I have to try.
I feel like I’m stuck, alone, in the rain.
My heart is full of so much pain.
Jeremy – what do I do?
How do I go on without you?
I love you baby, can’t you see?
You mean the world and more to me.
Jeremy…
Author notes
Bestest is sort of one of our - mine and Jeremy's - words. I know that it's technically incorrect and sounds childish. It makes sense to him, and that's all that really mattered. I would change it if I did not care what he thinks, but he likes it that way... and that's all that matters...
JADE RAYNE*
I just wrote this... I guess I'm just looking for editing tips and anyone that can relate :).
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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This is so lovely and the ryhme is really good
Its so sweet
Well done
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AWWWWW.
this is so cute!
i love the rhyming
and it doesn't matter if people think it sounds childish, if you two like it then that's all that matters isn't it.
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Btw ,
You need not change a thing my dear,
If you wanted it wrote this way,
Then this is the way you should have it.
This is the way your heart felt like writting it then so be it.
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SWEET!!
This is very tender and delicate ode to
someone who holds the key to your heart.
wonderfully wriiten.
It flows very well.
I "simplay" adored this one.
I can relate to it in so many levels.
You did an awesome job my friend.
-Mandi
P.S.
I spelled Simply that way
because i liked the way it sounded
in that dialect.
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aaaaah
this is so sweet. I can't relate just yet
I want to make things different with john. oh but I can't wait until I have something like that. truly and deeply sweet I asure you.
don't change a thing IT's perfect jsut the way it is . -
awww I like this one. The repetition in this one works. Jeremy. I love the emotion in this, you can tell you poured your heart out gurl. Jeremy... at the end...perfect. like your longing, calling for him. its amazing!
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Don't change a thing about this piece. It is heartfelt and full of an emotional connection that many cannot find in their personal lives. I loved this piece for so many reasons. The meter and flow are wonderful and your rhyming skills shine here. There is also so many ways that you described your feelings. Truly it is as though you bared your heart and soul and that makes it even more memorable. I will definitely be bookmarking this to share with my friends. Fabulous work dear and Keep writing I love your work so far. *star**rose**clappy*~mandie~
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Very nice write of love and if that is how you wrote this poem never change it it's how you felt at the time messing with that would just be wrong, I hope to read more of your stuff soon best of luck with poetry.
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Thanks so much !!!!
Jade Rayne*
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Line 12, Bestest does not make any sense in this. Maybe try my lover, and my best friend.
Ither than that, I dont see anything else that needs correcting, its sweet, but also full of sorrow and heartache. But the love will pull through eventually. Good Luck, great piece, and keep Penning -
i can relate to this, but about a girl. i like how his name was repeated in the minsd almost obsessively. i felt this was a fantastic write, very accurately written. frustrated, longing hurt. i felt this big time. thanks for sharing! keep it up! -Jamie
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This poem was a very good poem. I had only a single problem with it, and that was that you used the word "Bestest" Not only do I think that it cannot be counted as a word, I think that it makes you sound chidish. Within sounding childish, it sortof makes you sound clingy...I think that's the word. Obviously you cannot seem to live wothout him, but...It's almost like you wouldn't let go of him while you were together.
Please don't take this into offence, I mean absolutely none at all!! I am sinply stating what I feel about this poem. Other than that single word, it was brilliantly written, an magnificent poem.
Good write!! ~W.W~ -
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Bestest is sort of an inside thing. I never expected people to understand. I used it because it would make sense to him. We're 'bestest' friends. It just fit right...
JADE*
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I like the way it never gets boring, some long poems about love do get tiresome but my attention was held all the way through this one. I think it's great to have a poem dedicated to someone important to you, you should read it to him. I don't know what editing tips to give you, I think it's fine.
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