suicide note
here I sit,
pants unbuttoned
because I'm full
to the brim,
contemplating my hatred
towards light
and what
is growing in my head,
some festering belief
that we had become a sea
to be named after ourselves.
in exactly one month
it's my birthday
and I wonder if i'll even see the day
or feel any different,
yeah
I gained some wisdom
on what not to fuck with,
quickly replaced by who
not to fuck with
when I witnessed overdose
and betrayal
circle together like fire
and turn on me.
I learned
that survival is nothing like it's made out to be,
I was supposed to feel
thankful
and blessed
for being glued back to a life
that has done me so wrong,
so awful
that even the stains
cannot be bleached away.
but my shit still stinks
and my mouth still leaks,
I've got this voice
in my head
screaming for
more bones, more bodies,
less body fat
and less resistance;
I've got a man
who makes me want to die
six-thousand deaths
to get him out of my head,
a pocket full of organs
and another
full of change,
I'll give you all I've got
if you literally
just let me go
Author notes
JKLOL I LOVE YOU ANNE.
A contest entry
- prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 130 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 30 of 30
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"I've got a man
who makes me want to die
six-thousand deaths
to get him out of my head,"
You remember what I said about entering my contests? Don't.
You'll win everything in sight.
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this is really beautiful and raw. good work.
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I'm commenting on this poem, but I could just as well comment on all them just to say this: you are extremely talented--never stop writing.
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You know sometimes I read you and feel you have a knife where you shave off layer upon layer one thin piece at a time. This is one layer you reveal and you do it clearly. Love, C
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I still love this. Your poetry is always raw, reading like an elevatedly poetic kind of journal. I do think that massive first stanza could be separated for easier reading; I have some ideas of where you could break it, if you'd like a suggestion or two.
Thank you so much for your intelligent writing. It's what my brain needs during prewrite contest time, lol.
-hiraeth
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i love suggestions, especially from youuuu m'lovehh
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why do people always ask me for criticism when my brain is dead and fried from a day of schoolwork? oh you torturous bitch!
but i shall try.
er, could be broken between these lines:
'or feel any different,
yeah'
the 'yeah' could probably go with either stanza, though.
and that's all i've got lol.
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ohhhhhhh you are so lovely, thank you...will see what i can do..the stanza is a monster
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it's looooooong... like a brilliant poetic tapeworm
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or, long stanza is loooooooong
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I found this intriguing...a hurricane of sorts, controlled chaos yet intrenched in something that shines a pearl white when no one is looking directly at it.
Deeply enjoyable.
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seriously
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you are smart
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Poetry that skins you alive.
This is fabulous
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This is really beautiful, especially the second half. The first part was all just like..poop, even when I get over it, when I make it through, when I have my experience, really, i'm just where i started from. It was like, you never really get over things. You just keep on walking into walls that tear your guts out, & you keep on standing up again and yeah. I dunno, it was life repeating and things hurting all over again.
I really really loved the second half, especially this part of it.
"I've got this voice
in my head
screaming for
more bones, more bodies,
less body fat
and less resistance;"
I found that thought very real. Just that feeling you need to dump yourself down the toilet and wear your body away until you are so thin air can lift you up. Its like, all your troubles are buried in your fat. You can get rid of your excess & free your mind and everything? thats how i see it anyway & i know that thought.
"a pocket full of organs"
very cool.
I liked the ending too.
Authors comments? I was confused lol.
Beautiful in all, i like your thoughts. You have so many thoughts about giving up or giving in but somehow you always hold it together at the end or have some sort of hope or goal. I like that =].
<33
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i wish i could star this a million times over, never has a comment hit more at home. thank you, lovely.
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=] awww yay thank youuu<3. I'm happy i'm understanding!
<33
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who makes me want to die
six-thousand deaths
to get him out of my head,
a pocket full of organs
and another
full of change,
I'll give you all I've got
if you literally
just let me go
fuck...
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my brain is busted at this obscene hour of the morning and i cannot think of a comment to do this justice. 'pocket full of organs' is spectacular, though.
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you are simply stunning.
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lol, you likey?
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most definitely. it is absolutely raw and just excellent.
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you are waaayyyyyy too good to me
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lmao - nah, i'm just sucking up!!
seriously though, i envy your style - i wish i could do it. -
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oh gaaahhhh, i wish i could do you LOL
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no humping computer screens, its not safe - you could get spyware.
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prewrites-a-palooza?
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oh sure, you just want me to open a contest so people have shit fits with what i tell them.
i try to say they suck nicely.
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GOOD GOD
I LOVE YOU
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theres some shit in here i know you can relate to.
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