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Observation

I search for oblivion
I am the product of an assumed imagination
I swing high
(cliché)
I go low

How low do you go?
With your assumptions

Travel gages speed
And
The speed at which you travel
Comma
Often decides
Pause
Whether you see anything

What do I see?

Introductions and sleight of hands
Rhythm
Heads
Castles

The construction of which
As we see
Leave a lot to be desired
Indeed

The truth, it beckons
As action is subsumed
Into that which propels
Until
(A slight pause)
Awareness strikes

Then, shush,
The conditional appears
As though not to be heard
It whispers such that moments call
For individuation

Lest, alas, that moment fails
And melts into abyss
The story never is quite told
I guess whatever is


Please tell me what you think

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Comments


  • otepsaint
    April 14

    Edit | Reply

    hmmm

    It is a great poem... but it dosen't "capture" a reader, it's really easy to drift while reading it because it is slightly boring... I'm not sure, it's very possible that this is just me...
    ~Alie

    . Rewarded 6


  • Saint Irial
    July 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I can't comment this. My mind is blurry. But still. I have a sensation that it might be good so I'll leave you one applaud.




    ...No I'm just kidding it's quite awesome and it's built up in a fresh way. I like it. More for the build than the words them selves though.

    . Rewarded 6

    • Westley
      July 30, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      I feel the same, should have gone to bed hours ago (it's 2.45am in London). Thanks for your comment and the applaud.

      If you don't mind me asking, is it that you do not relate to the words, or that you think they miss the point, are badly chosen, etc? You are welcome to be really honest! The reason I ask is because there are elements that I am not quite happy with. I too think that the structure is the strong point (so I am glad that you agree as I have not written like this before).

      Please do not feel obliged to reply, but if you have any other thoughts/ideas, I would be grateful for hearing them.

      Thanks again!

      • Saint Irial
        July 30, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Some words I feel and some are as unreachable as oblivion itself.

        The construction of which
        As we see
        Leave a lot to be desired
        Indeed

        That's one of the best stanzas... imo... mainly because I like the slightly ironic and critical expression.

        It's a very uneven poem in my eyes but as said before... it's fresh and the words themselves might not be so important as long as the feeling is projected right?