The Earth shrinks away.
My mind astray,
Folds and turns,
Shudders and churns,
Burns, cracks and yearns
For smoke.
Spinning room
With violet plume.
The churning fume.
The turning stench
Of sweat.
Sweet sweat, love and pain.
Love, push and strain.
And colours.
Flashes and streaks.
High hues hovering, spinning, rolling.
Roiling shows of heaven blow.
Time flows,
Goes, stops, spins and slows.
Twisting kiss that glows of
Crimson love.
Amber vial of vile ambrosia
Seeps its gentle roots
And holds with folding lines
Of space and time.
And azure vines have love entwined.
The argent spine lets elation flow
From skull to sex to skin.
Serpent striking, stabbing.
Verdant waves
Pound and flood.
The blood and breast
Of porcelain skin.
Nirvana taken and given spins
The world about
The motion flawed but
Symbolizing God.
This child born of rapture.
Author notes
Option 3
!!!RAINBOWS AND STUFF!!!
A contest entry
- lotsa points!!!! (extended time! I want as many entries as possible!) by DogTagz-TheJalapeno.
800 points, ended August 9, 2008, 52 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
State your opinion.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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no
you have not made it through
if youre going to be formal enough to capitalize the first line of every line, be sure to use a consistent rhyme scheme. or at least think about the meter.
keep an eye out for adjective choices. the more image-rich color words (porcelain, azure, crimson) are best used sparingly so they have a positive effect. this uses so many punch words it loses its punch. -
For Introspection, my vote is no, sorry. While you have a lot of creative images and colors that create a chaotic blend, the poem did evolve from one point to another until the end. I felt a lot of the middle descriptions could have been cut out, and if the poem had been more concise, it may have been more effective.
-Cassidy -
I love all of the images that you created here. It had a great flow to it and the one think I would maybe change is breaking it up into stanzas (I was hard for me to read it all together, but it works this way too). The first four lines really brought me into the poem. Great job.
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Thanks. Yeah, I decided against stanzas for the flow to be more chaotic. I guess I could find a way to make it easier to read. Thanks for the comment.
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First to comment again..yay
Amber vial of vile ambrosia...This is my favourite line simply because you've used vial twice. Really enjoyed reading this. You pulled out a lot of different and chaotic images. Well done
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