it seems in constant
danger of cracking
weighed down with delicate
guarded thoughts
too precious for sight
like the shadowed echoes
of an asylum long abandoned
and behind the locked doors
sits the child starving for play
of the man huddled on a street corner
shivering against the cold
Author notes
Inspired mostly by "The Mind's Eye" by Dark Tranquility. If you've not listened to this song, you may find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fuyNnXRTro
-BlackKnight-
Won gold in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2413901
In a list
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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Sad , heart breaking .......
and behind the locked doors
sits the child starving for play
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This is simply excellent ;-) I love the first two lines....
"it seems in constant
danger of cracking" In conjunction with the background, this piece is really standout!!!! BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO.
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Congrats. on the throphy. The write was short but drew you in from the first line asnf kept your attention tothe end. Very dramatic and abstract
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What a smack in the face with reality. One day the boy becomes the man. Atleast thats what i take of it. Weird to look at a child and predict his fate years later, that is the danger for some. Awesome writings bra
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short but very effective and i loved the style of your writing, your techniques used and the words! The background is effective too but im not here for backgrounds haha, lovely poem, thanks!
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A good poem that you have written here.
-Nam -
OMGZZZ THiS IZ SO0O0O0O GEWDD LYKE 4REAL U HAV SO0O MUHC TALINT U HAV NO IDEA!!11 GR8 RITE!!!1
I mean every fucking word of that, just not in shitspeak.
But no really, this is fucking great. I like how it starts just as a thought, but then progresses into a really strong mental image that ties it in perfectly.
On a side note, I want to get high and then look at this background. Holy shit, that would be crazy.
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Makes me lightheaded...not only because I', about to drop asleep. Amazing, BlackKnight.
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Great poem but the background gives me a headache. I don't mind if the back ground moves but this one flashed .
Great write though..
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Cool background but dizzing. Congrats on your golod trophy and best of luck to you in your future writes. Thank you for sharing your poetry with me.
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Creepy and scary. Really really scary. My favorite part is
"and behind the locked doors
sits the child starving for play"
Truly fits the title. I can imagine this guy going nuts any second. And dude your background...made me turn on my light.
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This is awesome, as is everything of yours I've ever read. I enjoy your poetry because it's raw, passionate, and evocative, with just the right measures of brutality. Well done, and good luck in the contest!
Laura
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Ah Dark Tranquility- Love em. Not very often i come across someone who actually listens to them. This piece was chilling to the bone... shorter then i prefer, but just as twisted as i like
the imagery was just stunning "weighed down with delicate
guarded thoughts
too precious for sight
like the shadowed echoes
of an asylum long abandoned" i think that was your strongest verse. Thank you for sharing and good luck. keep up the great work. -T
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wow that's deep!
a lonely light among darkness,
this really touched me and not a lot of thing can do that. keep up the good work and good luck.
Love,
VampireAlexia
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sad!!!
it touched me..enjoyed every line
)) great work!best of luck to you my friend..
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black snow...
This is perfect. The plight of the homeless, so sad. They recede into themselves, naught more than children, looking for warmth.
You are impressing me more.
-joan
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speechless
...this is poetry. It's so real.
and thats what I love about it.
kudos my friend. -
I really like this. The whole thing falls into place. Especially the first two lines.
Anonymousx -
of the man...of the man...I'm still trying to figure that out. The child wants to play of the man? with the man? Not sure of the ending, but I like some of the intial images and lines...
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I like it the way it is now, so don't flesh it out, keep it in the non physical realm. (LOL) I like how it was short, but deep, yet so easy to understand. Great Job! I too enjoyed the background, great stuff.
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This is a truly unique and touching write (background was cool too)
Thanks for sharing
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I hear the echoes of angst, despair, depression and loss where the clock doesn't matter anymore because time has frozen in a suspense of agitation. I like the secretive nature of this poem, the expectation of something rising from under the surface. Nice phrasing and flow. Great mood. I enjoyed this a lot. I am fascinated by the darkness in man. ~ Joyce
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"constant danger of cracking"
Sounds like my mind...or a lunatic's mind. So, the same thing?
"shadowed echoes"
Pretty.
"asylum long abandoned"
Sounds like my kinda place.
"sits the child starving for play"
Great imagery & emotion-provoking.
This kicked my poem's ass (though my entry didn't have an ass to begin with)
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i'm not going to lie, the background spooked me a bit!
anyway. this poem is just so amazing. i have never seen writing in this form before, and sounding so smooth. you really nailed a bunch of different emotions in this short piece. i'm sure many will agree! (:
great job. keep it up. best of luck.
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I hadn't used the background in a while prior to this piece; combined with the explanation I gave to Sailor below, I felt it was appropriate to pull it out from storage.
Thank you for the applause.
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I really like where you took this. It's definitely one of the most unique takes in my contest. The prompt is so subtly used; that you really have to know about the plant itself to catch the connection. I find it quite exciting that you discuss the fragile mind; and how we lock things away as a defense mechanism; which is the practical, morphological adaptation of the thistle's prickles. To defend against attack by herbivores. The first thing that came to mind when i read this was a homeless person; lonely; and inside his mind is the scared child that he really is. A very effectual take. I enjoyed this. The one thing I don't like is the background...it's a bit much for me
Thank you for entering my contest and g'luck!
~Pt
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Eh, the background, in a way, represents the static in the man's mind. I often feel pretty static-y in my head.
Thank you for the comment, though.
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In my opinion, this is one of the best backgrounds I've ever encountered on AP...so, keep it...it's totally mind-blowing, creepy, and perfectly fitting for this particular poem....
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I hear they have spray to get rid of static-cling now
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I wouldn't know.
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this is true; unless you wear skirts or dresses; let's hope not
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Yea; yea; I get the static; the scratchy snow noise like from at t.v. I get it how it relates to the poem completely; i just didn't write it in my first comment because I didn't want to leave a book
It's just a bit hard on my eyes is all; I guess I'm just an old fogey though
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