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Read between the lines (edited)

I find myself between your lines

in traced dots

- disconnected

a soft underbelly kind of feel 


obscure…

like a picture of an idea

lost somewhere

in language of unsung music

 

awkward perhaps

- generally speaking

yet, suddenly enlightened

made to believe logic

 

I earned the right

caught in the rinse cycle

of shifting sentences

living in surrendered moments 

 

voices speak like childhood wishes

tightly pressed words

looking for an exit

from unfinished love

 

notes of music form

hugging rhythm

slamming into the difference between us

before shattering

 

and now…

 

God cries

in moments lost between color

upside down

folded into clouds

 

crashing against one another

allowing distance to form

 

settling into peace of mind

 

 

7/13/08 

Author notes

Prompt: you put the poet in poetry.

A contest entry

Read between the lines...and breathe the moment.

    I plan to revise this poem, please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • apples fell gold member
    July 16
    Edit | Reply

    I like how this poem conveys its message, but I’m not sure how I feel about: ”…and now…yes now”, do you need the ellipses? I think it actually weakens the poem at this point instead of adds to it. The one set of them
    used at the beginning is fine. Also, I’m not sure you need the line in brackets. You could have easily tied it somewhere into the poem so it did not feel so
    awkward. The imagery and themes are solid, it’s just the format choices which lesson the quality of the writing. There are moments where I think the poem does feel a little broken, but that feeling kind of grew on me, so I’m not going to mention general areas that I think could be improved in that aspect. Your stuff is usually very unique. This is no exception.

    Thank you so much for entering the contest. Kenny as my co-judge will be around at some point to leave his feedback as well.

    ;

    . Rewarded 8


    • zochit2me gold member
      July 16
      Edit | Reply
      I so appreciate your comments as they are so refreshing and a great help.
      I did edit this a wee bit so if you would take another look that would just be juicy


      • apples fell gold member
        July 16

        Edit | Reply

        Yes, Much more effective. I like the second use of it now...It feels like it leads into the image better without feeling, stale. very nice. Your edits are small and thus, nothing was ruined. I love your work.