Thank you....
You caught me when I fell.
Because I did fall.
Hard.
I was in quicksand
Only an arm still left in the air.
I was suffocating
Choking as the sand closing in around me.
I was losing control
Losing every battle to the sand around me
I was letting go
Letting grains pile above my head.
I was masking
So well that I lost my identity.
I was submitting
To that which surrounded me
I was crying out for help
And you took my hand
Like I was your daughter.
"I was hungry
and you gave me food;
I was thirsty
and you gave me drink;
I was a stranger
and you invited me in;
I needed clothes
and you clothed me;
I was sick
and you looked after me;
I was in prison
and you came to visit me."
You did all this, for me, because you love me.
I was hiding
And you pulled me out of the shadows.
I was longing for something, anything
And you were there.
I was yearning
And you filled me up
I was confused
And you understood me
Better than I do myself.
So thank you.
I can live with myself again.
I can breathe again.
Maybe one day
I will be freed of all
the sand that still surrounds me.
Maybe one day
I will be soaring on wings like eagles
Looking down upon the desert
Maybe one day
I will be free from every chain that once held me
and pulled me down further
In the meantime,
You took me by both hands
And picked me up:
Out of the windblown desert.
You are a blessing to me.
Author notes
I KNOW its not that good. Improvements please?
I actually want to give this to my friend, but not until its been shot down with criticism because I want it to be better.
And I'm still new at this free verse stuff. So please please help thankss =]
Dolls-x-phoenixes helped more than I can describe.
If you dont know about the situation, dont ask.
Thanks for your help.
A contest entry
- Impact... by Maybe.I.Am.Broken..
510 points, ended August 27, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Improvements?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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"Out of the desert and litter and chains" that last line I dont like... Out of the desert is fine, but the rest doesnt speak to me well. Other than that, I loved it! Its a wonderful write, and I am sure your friend Beth will love it. Glad you made it through the sand, rough times are hard... I dont know what you have been through, but I am glad you are still here to share your poetry!
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Good Poem
I really liked your desert/quicksand metaphor. It was really good! It made a nice transition from drowning in sand to soaring over it.
While I think it's a good poem, I think that if I received it I would feel really intimidated by the effect I had on people. These are really, REALLY strong feelings. I don't know the magnitude of the situation, so the poem might still be appropriate. I guess I would recommend waiting a week and rereading it to make sure it is really what you want to say and that you're still feeling that way. When giving a poem to someone else, I've found that the content is much more important than the quality. If you think you're coming on too strong, rewrite it or write a different poem. If you think you're making the impression you want to and you know you will still feel the same way long-term, by all means give it to your friend.
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Its not a friend as much as a mentor who did really pull me out of a whole lot of stuff. And I have to wait a week anyway before I see her again. Sooo I'll try to tone it down.
Thanks!
Anonymousxo
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Gorgeoussss. It's much better, and I love the eagle metaphor, the way you tied it into the desert and the sand.
"I was confused and you understood me... you have "to" instead of "do", I think you want there..."
I don't know if the empty spaces before "so thank you" are intentional but I would suggest taking them out?
I was hungry
and you gave me food;
I was thirsty
and you gave me drink;
I was a stranger
and you invited me in;
I needed clothes
and you clothed me;
I was sick
and you looked after me;
I was in prison
and you came to visit me;
Use either periods or semicolons or a mix of the two instead of the commas.
But those are just minor suggestions.
<3333
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Thanks soooo much <3 You are a brilliant help. If I wasnt grounded I would run over to your house right now (its 7 AM) and give you a hug. But alas, I shall have to resort to virtual hugs which really dont cut it.
*virtual hug* x 10
I think i'll get to show it to her in friday...which is better than sunday.
Thanks ^ infinityy
Anonymousxo
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This is gonna be LONGGG
So. I'm gonna do the stanzas first and then the lines and then put them together.
I was in quicksand
And I had maybe an arm still in the air.
I was suffocating
And choking on the sand closing in around me
I was crying out for help
and you took my hand
like I was your daughter.
"for I was hungry, and you gave me food.
I was thirsty, and you gave me drink."
That about sums you up.
I was hiding.
And you pulled me out of the shadows.
I was longing for anything
And then you were there.
I would suggest taking the repeting "I was" and breaking them up, so you get something along the lines of:
I was in quicksand
And I had maybe an arm still in the air.
I was suffocating
And choking on the sand closing in around me
I was crying out for help
and you took my hand
like I was your daughter.
"for I was hungry, and you gave me food.
I was thirsty, and you gave me drink."
That about sums you up.
I was hiding,
and you pulled me out of the shadows.
I was longing for anything
and then you were there.
Or something like that. Note how the punctuation is slightly different, and some of the lines aren't capatalized because they continue the phrase started in the above line.
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Now for the first lines. I'm going to pull them apart the way I've broken them up because it'll be visually easier with them in smaller chunks.
I was in quicksand-
and I had maybe an arm still in the air.
I would suggest re-wording the second line; it seems akward. Maybe something like
"I was in quicksand-
maybe I still had an arm in the air"
I was suffocating
And choking on the sand closing in around me
Again, I suggest rewording the second line.
Perhaps:
"I was suffocating,
choking as the sand closed over my head."
I was crying out for help
and you took my hand
like I was your daughter-
"for I was hungry, and you gave me food.
I was thirsty, and you gave me drink."
That about sums you up.
I'm not sure about "that about sums you up." Maybe you could do something like "That's who you are."? Or something like that.
I was longing for anything
and then you were there.
I would suggest taking "then" out of that, so you get
I was longing for anything
and then you were there.
-------------------------------------------------------
So thank you.
I can live with myself again.
I can breathe again.
And maybe one day I will be
completely gone of all the sand that once surrounded me
But in the meantime,
You took me by both hands
And picked me up
Out of the sand and litter.
This is pretty good the way it is, but here's the breaks I would make:
So thank you.
I can live with myself again;
I can breathe again.
Maybe one day I will be
completely gone of all the sand
that once surrounded me.
But in the meantime,
you took me by both hands
and picked me up:
out of the sand and the litter.
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Dissection time.
Maybe one day
I will be completely
gone of all the sand
that once surrounded me.
I don't like the way the middle of this is phrased. I know what you're trying to say but literaly it doesn't make sense.
Maybe one day
I will be completely
freed of the sand
that once surrounded me.
Freed is a better word choice and I feel like it flows better if you take out the "all" before sand.
But in the meantime,
You took me by both hands
and picked me up:
out of the sand and litter.
Take out the "but."
I would also suggest saying "dirt" instead of sand. If you can think of synonyms for sand it stops it being too repetetive.
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Take what you want and leave what you don't want. I hope that some of this made at least a little sense.
This was a monster comment... I'm curious to see how many points AP will give me for it lol
<3
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THANKS SO MUCH you really helped
whatcha think now? ;]
ILOVEYOU
anonymousxo
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