golden ray of light
dancing amid sun-speckled leaves
-timorous goldfinch
sunlight
flitting between leaves -
a goldfinch
"tishu's" editing
I think he did a right fine job
of cutting my stone into gem!
Author notes
I was watching a pair of goldfinches in the backyard: sitting, trying to be inconspuous as they are so skitish.The female would dip in to the lower branches, I thought perhaps her green coloration made her feel secure amid the foliage. The bright male though, the lad I really wanted to see, stuck to the rafters of the trees and there he blended nicely with the spots of light to remain discretely away from my prying eyes...but just at moments he flashed, just enough to tease me.
It was a bit difficult to fold all these thoughts into 17 sylables. Could this poem be made simpler still?
In a list
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop by azure85.
600 points, ended July 24, 2008, 60 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
how can this poem by simplified ?
Comments
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Succint and glorious!
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Not to step on anyone's toes because it is all a matter of opinion but I liked the original much better because it presented a clearer picture in my mind.
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Thanks, sheltered! It was a "workshop"; so the idea was to write a poem and then to work on it and offer a second "edition".I was quite taken by "tishu's" revision and could not imagine doing better!
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So much in so little
What a beautiful picture this paints. It could be written into a few pages if you chose but yuo condensed it to still have the punch and the power that tell it all.
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Oh, the edited version is perfect! I saw it.
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This was a good contest...I had a lot of good suggestions from other participants.
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Beautiful!
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You are right about the
honing on your haiku improving it, also the second line had eight syllables, however, every definition of haiku I've ever seen requires the 5,7,5 syllable form. Here three words can pass as haiku.
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aprilnadeau - three words can pass as haiku, in the most widely used contemporary form. Strict form 5-7-5 is a bit passe and most published haiku is free form.
Here's an acknowledged authority on haiku, George Marsh's definition: -
A haiku is the smallest language construct that can generate enough complexity to create tension and resonance between its parts and take on symbolic power. Filling seventeen syllables with rhythmic ornament or verbal elaboration is a mistake. The haiku should be as short as it can be, with no fat.
Alan
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I particularly liked your thought to me, Alan, that haiku is a technique rather than a form...I've been turning that over in my head.
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ah.. the original definitely has a beautiful concept indeed. but it's too wordy. the revision stands simple but firm and gives an immediate vivid image.
with a great aha! moment too!
Tishu's brilliant as always.
I do hope to see more submissions from you.
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golden ray of light
dancing amid sun-speckled leaves
-timorous goldfinch
You have wonderful material to work with here, but I agree with you that the haiku could be simplified a little so that the images are more vivid. One of the main problems with writing a haiku in a 17 syllable format is that the poem has to be padded out with words that aren't really needed in order to fit into this old-fashioned notion of the form. It's great to write a haiku in 5.7.5 but it is also very difficult.
I agree with Azure and Tishu that the haiku would definately work better if you allow your observations to do the work and leave out your opinion. perhaps "timorous" is a bit too much for a haiku as you allow your opinion and prior knowledge to get in the way of your pure observations.
Tishu has given you wonderful editorial advice. Why don't you go with his suggested revision?
best wishes,
Myron. -
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Thanks myron,I'll take to heart your thoughts. 17 syllable dosn't sound like a lot...but working around them it often seems like too many. I sometimes think a one syllable English word like "squirlled" would make a japanese writer do a real double take! Maybe I'll be a little less timourous about being a bit more sparse with my words and thoughts.
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golden ray of light
dancing amid sun-speckled leaves
-timorous goldfinch
I see Tishu has answered you question in the author's notes. This would have been a lovely scene to view. You may revise if you want to anytime before the end of the contest, thank you so much for the nature-ku!
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Thanks for this workshop,"Azure"!
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golden ray of light
dancing amid sun-speckled leaves
-timorous goldfinch
As I am an advocate of minimalist haiku and because in your authors notes you asked I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty of offering a short version. It is purely personal Dogfish but I find lots of description tends to leave little for the reader to create in their own mind ... and this is such a fine moment observed.
sunlight
flitting between leaves -
a goldfinch
Thanks for letting me play
Alan
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Thanks very much, Alan, for your kind input. I liked very much your word "minimalist". What you did with my little poem was a revelation for me. Since I've been on AP I,ve concentrated on the haiku form but have tried to discipline myslf to work with the 5.7.5 meter. You've given me a reason to revise my whole approach to this sort of poetry.
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This is infinitely better than mine! thanks for your analysis!
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I highly doubt this could be made simpler, besides, it's fine just the way it is. It's as if serenity streams from it.
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thanks kindly!
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pretty
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...like you!
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