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Scratching for a spot

Sparks fly during rush of recent thoughts

cling to empty space

in creation of circle formed

around equilibrium

 

we stopped halfway -

stuck behind  iris

delivered slow and smooth

justification of actions

 

fear is the thief of time

 

obsessed sounds escape

seeking balance between steps

of adjusted composure

 

bare-bone sentiments

of complexity

poised and ready

 

inhaled deeply

tasting the substance of poetry

 

ripe words buried deep in marrow

post-production of symphony

seasoned to taste

 

flavors from the wind

caught in mingled motion of brainwaves

around unsettled metaphor

 

an overflow of life

scratched on simple scrap of paper

from ordinary order

 

- survival of the fittest

 

 

7/13/08 

Author notes

Prompt: These ordinary days

I miss you

A contest entry

I am in a deep funk...feel free to rip me to shreds.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • Faithbound gold member
    July 19

    Edit | Reply
    stuck behind iris
    delivered slow and smooth

    Miss Lady you always leave me such fresh images. I can count on your poetry to be something I have never read before. Love it as always. Thank you.


  • Luna Tique Fringe gold member
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    I disagree with the previous review. I like the choices you made.

    ''flavors from the wind
    caught in mingled motion of brainwaves
    around unsettled metaphor''

    This is a great line, and greater truth:

    "fear is the thief of time"

    I like that you gave it more importance, letting it stand alone. nice breaks throughout.

    love it, girl...rock on.



  • apples fell gold member
    July 13
    Edit | Reply

    I did think this becomes a tad wordy in places, example: "analytical implodes
    the complication of complexity
    poised and ready" and
    "flavors from the wind
    caught in mingled motion of brainwaves
    around unsettled metaphor", I mean granted that the expression is rooted in very true themes, the poem itself is very top heavy, if that makes sense. You opening two stanza's though are quite good, solid. I'm just wondering if you could maybe tone down some of these large and almost odd words used throughout? You do have a lot of outstanding lines. Even with this observation.

    ;



    • zochit2me gold member
      July 13

      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the in depth critique. I did change the one stanza a bit as I was banging my head over that one and after re reading came to the conclusion it was a bit wordy. However I am leaving the flavors of the wind as I feel at this time it is necessary to lead into the next stanza, plus I like the mingled motion of brainwaves as it fits me these days. I do appreciate you great critiques at all times though.

      ☼Becky☼

      • apples fell gold member
        July 13

        Edit | Reply

        Well I an just glad I can be helpful when something comes to me. Your choice to take some of my advice is perfectly fine. That is the beauty of opinions and critiques.
  • Michael P
    July 13
    Edit | Reply
    much to consider here-a lot of thought went into this and it shows


  • Rowan gold member
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    You always have such deep content, and spectacular endings. Not ordinary at all.


    • zochit2me gold member
      July 13
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah I have a bottomless pit in my head...

      Thank you Kathleen, your words hold depth and great appreciation in my heart, always...



      ☼Becky☼
1 - 10 of 10