We wander through some shades of grey
to wistful moons where we might lay
while plundering a sweet bouquet
of winds that whisper us astray.
Forever may seem never more
as oaths to G-d that we adore
continue setting us ashore
on rainy deserts to restore.
The dell of youth, forever here,
consoles that breach of faith and fear
and says, “we are as we appear,”
… enjoying yet another year.
Author notes
To my muse on her birthday.
"You don't need a light to see someone you know intimately at night." Ghanaian (African)
A contest entry
- The Yearn of a Turn by whispernthedark.
685 points, ended July 26, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Who Inspires You? by Standing Owl.
875 points, ended September 4, 2008, 16 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Get inspired by celestial.
400 points, ended August 29, 2008, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Contest for your Muse!!! -- by Florida Sunshine.
450 points, ended September 17, 2008, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please be honest and open.
Comments
1 - 63 of 63
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good flow, but i thought the rhyme was a little too powerful for this kinda of poem. but great work. loved it!
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very good
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Excellent flow and rhythm ~ The rhyme just flows right off the tongue ~ I really enjoy all that you've penned here!
Thanks so much for entering the contest ~ It was my pleasure to read and review your work
Best of luck to you,
Florida Sunshine
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I liked this, It was very positive and enjoyable. I loved the second line, to me that created a wonderful image that really stuck through the rest of the poem. I also loved the final stanza as it gives a wonderful message. Your rhyming was good and It was clear to see you care a lot for this person that inspires you. Great work x
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Huh. That was really good. I enjoyed the first paragraph, especially the part about the bouquet. Good luck in the contest.
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This was very sensual and nice. Thank you for sharing this. This was pure poetry.
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Fidelity and Faithfulness,
built upon through the passing of years together. What wisdom resides within these words of your muse. Thank you for your willingness to share.
Niaish for this offering. Best of Luck!
Silent Hawk
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"we are as we appear" - I was thinking of this last night... funny how poetry finds our thoughts...
Such a lovely piece dedicated to a friend. Your work always have so much wisdom and I absolutly LOVE reading when your pen hits paper.
Happy birthday Whispernthedark... [sorry I'm a lil late]
Best to you both
Becks
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Beautiful lines, I love your use of the word "whisper". Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Thank you
What beautiful wings your muse has given to you! Oh, and how our wanderings through the grey make us realize just how much the green can take our breath away....Thank you. Thank you, dear Sultan, for sharing your precious gift.
Love, On The Balcony (a girl with short hair) smile
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Outstanding
This is a great poem that speaks of faith. I thought the imagery was very good indeed and that the whole poem had great flow. Fantastic to read.
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I'm sure your muse really appreciated this as a birthday gift, I know I most certainly would. I particularly like the opening description and the suggestion of just 'wandering' around in the moonlight. 'plundering a sweet bouquet/of winds that whisper us astray' is just beautiful! As others have said, structurally and technically this is a finely crafted piece and the monorhyme does seem appropriate. Like deercatcher has also said, I'm not a huge fan of rhyme (mainly because I can't use it) as all too often it can appear to be strained and completely artificial, but I must admit this doesn't.
Thanks for sharing. -
Aye, 'tis a fine write. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are just fine. I never give much of a critical review, 'cause I'm not a professor of English, etc., so I'm not qualified to do so. None the less, I enjoyed this poem.
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I read the comments on the first page,too. I think the monorhyme is effective. It is not my favorite form, but is like short hair on women making long hair more beautiful?
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Enchanting!
Wow how wonderfully enchanting and moving, it flows very well throughout and captivates the reader all the way through also.
Love the way you weave with words into the heart and soul of the reader and no doubt your muse.
Well done, very well penned.
Poetic Hugs,
Kaz.
Kazytc xx
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mind bogglin'
Wow, I had fun reading this. I am so glad I picked this one to read. I was lost in the limage you pained with words. Great work!
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sweet
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excellent
you wrote well and enjoyably. The message was clear nd sound.I particularly liked following lines:
The dell of youth, forever here,
consoles that breach of faith and fear
and says, “we are as we appear,”
… enjoying yet another year.
Thanks for sharing.please visit some of my poetry. -
The rhyming here is intelligent (as opposed to the usual sing songy sort) Is it a rule to have a dash between G and d? Is it like, using his name in vain or something? I liked this. I would suggest changing a couple of words 'some shades of gray' to 'the shades of gray' 'and says' for 'and speaks.' Of course, these are just stylistic changes and nothing more. A good piece.
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well put
As a gift, it is very sweet and shows a lot of thought was put into it. It's typical to have a poem rhyming when giving it as a birthday gift.It works out better that way for the reader. They will appreciate it more when its easier to read. I think the words used and the whole set up was very well put together. Good job! -
I like this a lot, the monorhymed verse are all appealing and the whole poem appears very well made and loving.
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This poem is so good! I love the flow and the rhyming.. You really did a great job!
I'm glad its not to long... I cant stand reading really long poems. This one was short and kept me interested!
-Miki- -
I like this poem, but it's very difficult to understand. There's some nice imagery and it has a very pleasant flow. As a rule, I really like rhyming, but it seems as if the rhyming here made the poem go places it didn't belong in order to get the rhyme. It ended up being confusing.
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This is a great poem, it talks to me of the divided nature of man, but that despite our conflictiveness: we are not bad, but caring. Here is one thing I got to ask you, because I have seen it before with others, why do you spell God "G-d"??
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Why G-d?
This is a convention for observing the 4th commandment.
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"G*d" is quite amusing I suppose.
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loving
This is a nice, loving poem written as a tribute. I like the enjambement in the lines as that gives the poem a flowing rhythm. I also like the quadruple rhyming scheme - it sounds very nice when read out loud.
best wishes in the contest,
Myron. -
Interesting spin of opinions
I do agree that this poem is very cute and sweet as a birthday gift. I'm sure that if I received a poem like this, I would feel the sentiment and love of the poem and be incredibly ecstatic that I received it.
However, I have to agree about the meter and rhyme that D P Robertson pointed out. the first thing that I noticed when I read the poem was "oh it rhymes," which I've never found to be a good thing. I think it's good that the reader realizes that a poem rhymes, but it shouldn't jump out at them. It proves that it is ineffective in that way.
However, there certainly are some lines that I really like, such as "of winds that whisper us astray," "on rainy deserts to restore" and "consoles that breach of faith and fear." Each of these places in the poem are thought-provoking and feel powerful to me. Plus, the first two have beautiful imagery, especially if the reader is willing to let their mind wander.
Overall, I feel that this is a very good starting place. It could still use to some work with the meter, and I'm tempted to challenge you to try to write the poem without the rhyme. :-) I think it'd still be just as good, if not better, when not confined by the current lay of the piece. Keep writing, I hope to see more of your work someday.
Take care,
DreamersLoft :-) -
A very nice write. I agree the rhyme and rhythm are what makes it so desirable to read. It's a good one, keep up the good writes.
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Good rhyme and rhythm, the simplicity of the verses alone makes this poem about ten times better than 90% of the crap you can read on this site.
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This is sweet as a birthday greeting though it is obviously not going to be traveling much further than that. I think the moment you decided an aaaa bbbb cccc format was the way to go was the moment the thing went a lttle tits up as a genuine piece and not simply a hallmark moment. The phonetics through some lines are throwing your meter off. It is a sweet dedication but it is an ordinary poem
David -
sweetly written
I'm sure she will love and enjoy it!
way to write!
ears/Seattle
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The dell of youth, forever here,
consoles that breach of faith and fear
and says, “we are as we appear,”
… enjoying yet another year
Yuppy Superb eastern colors
liked it alotttt.
Good job
by
Th poet of hearts and beautiful words
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I loved the rhyming scheme that was used and it presented an even deeper meaning to your poem. Keep writing and hope to read more of your work.
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Beautiful, :D
Forever may seem never more
as oaths to G-d that we adore
continue setting us ashore
on rainy deserts to restore."
I loved that verse...
amazing. Usually I hate patterns like this. but this just flows so perfectly. I enjoyed reading it, and actually read it over and over again, rather than feeling like I was reading a Dr. Seus book like I'd expect.
Very nice write.
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This is very beautiful, especially after I read your auther notes. I liked the simplicity adn generality of your rhyme, and was very impressed that it didn't sound gimmicky, or childish or something. It was enjoyable to read, and it's nice that there is some uniformity in the aethetics of your poetry, which added visual satisfaction to the lovely effect of your well chosen words. It was very nice to read, and I wish you the best of lick in your contest, and future endeavors in the writing world ^_^
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Tender words of beauty and truth fitting for your muse. Life is never a straight or easy path but to travel its bumpy road with someone you love makes it so much more worthwhile. The acceptance of “we are as we appear,” is wonderfully inspiring. Its been a while but this was worth the wait.
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Lovely words to someone on their speacil day...lovely, thanks for sharing
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excellent
you did a nice job with metrical dimension of the poem. It came out rhymed well and was soothing to ears..it could be well considered to be a good song as well: These lines are a good example of the smae:
The dell of youth, forever here,
consoles that breach of faith and fear
and says, “we are as we appear,”
… enjoying yet another year.
well done thanks for sharing with us.Please visit some of my poetry as well. -
wonderful write
good luck in contest
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peaceful but so full of love and romance
my favourite is the first stanza -
Simple and peaceful. Good meter... easy to read and speak. I like it.
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Sultan I love this work of art and I look forward to reading more of your poems.
I am new here and I do not know very much about poetry
I usually just write what I feal or what ever I think will make a good story
and as an artist I do know that if it touches your heart then that makes it a
wonderful piece
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Eloquent, simple and sweet, yet reaching depths of understanding and acceptance. "we are as we appear"
Best wishes to you both!
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Sweet
i agree with nursey poo -
Tis lovely I do say
For what is another year if not another 365 days, oh happy, happy is this year as you so stated.
"The dell of youth, forever here,
consoles that breach of faith and fear"
Time is the best teacher and with time comes wisdom, wisdom to accept what is given onto us for it is not for us to say when next we celebrate another marker so profound as a year.
I like it, I like it so!
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What a beautifully wrought Birthday Present! "winds that whisper us astray" is astounding. My best wishes to your muse on her birthday.
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"in rainy deserts to restore"...I love this line, a perfect balance of imagery...I am reminded of a 'dark night of the soul'...a dry and yet restoring place as well. And the 'consoling dell of youth "that breaches faith and fear" '...oh, how loving eyes do see 'we are as we appear'...You have blessed us all with another gem. Peace to you and happiest birthday (belated, I'm sure) to your muse. Rhonda
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Awww this was so sweet. The rhyme scheme was really nice and it flowed well. The imagery was lovely too. Good luck in the contest
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Simple and eloquent. Your rhyme was great and your message came through in a splendid way. Pen on ...
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oh wow
How define the language... how light and nice the poem! Great piece of art!
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Simply magnificent.
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First off, I love the rhyme. It flows very nicely and it is not forced as far as I can see. I like the first stanza a lot it whisks you away to another world before you know your there. VERY good job.
Anonymousxo
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deliciously monorhymed quatrains and lovely sentiments expressed, haven't seen you for a while my friend
All the best
Jeff
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the third stanza was phenominal. the rythm is very natural and the rhyme is great. i enjoyed this very much
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I love how simple it is and yet how it makes you think. Well done.
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This is lovely
Very well done and from the heart
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awwww, this is so sweet and beautiful
wonderful write and keep it up, also best of wishes in the contest, take care
stephanie
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Nice and serence.
Lovely.
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What a wonderful present for your muse! Made from the heart and sent with words she'll love to read through another year.
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i like the idea of flowers and a restoration of deserts, rare to be seen, kind of just floating and going thru the motions, it's accepted as that way and another year goes by.
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Not bad! - ocerus
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Excellent
Very deep and profound to discover the state of being in which we live. Almost an automatic behavior that equates to nothing more than a dull existence. We need the extra time to have hope of rocgnition.
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