last night
the air was stifling;
mosquitos ate my skin.
i was standing on the side of the road
with my thumb out,
closing my eyes
because i didn't want to see.
and when he opened the door,
he had more blood in his eyes
than i had in my heart
but i still got into the car.
we stopped
and his hands were rough
and i could taste fire
on his lips.
his backseat
was not what i wanted.
Author notes
i just finished writing a book
and now i have nothing.
i think i might delete this
because it's terrible.
A contest entry
- Mistakes by XHollowXEyesX.
600 points, ended August 19, 2008, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Whatever you want to say. Critiques, anything. :)
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
this is a terible what. you kept a sense of mystery about the piece by keepin git simple, but this allows the reader to think more about the situation described. I love the descriptive alngauge that you used, very emotional.
Great work.
Thanks for entering.
All thebest
~Hollow~ -
I don't think this piece is terrible, you should leave it in! Especially the lines "he had more blood in his eyes than I had in my heart" and "I could taste fire on his lips". Those are the kinds of descriptive lines that make a good story!
-
Good Luck with your book!
Ok I mean't to say Good Luck with your book! LOL ...I'm so tired and I apologise for my spelling! -
Well written
I think this is a good piece of writing and I liked the last 2 lines which add a kind of mystery to it. You obviously have natural writing talent and good look with your book!
-
It's not terrible, I liked it. Especially 'he had more blood in his eyes
than i had in my heart'
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
