you,
you gave it to me.
you told me,
breathe this in,
smoke this out
& you won't feel the pain.
i only did it because you made it beautiful.
in the dark your smoke curled away from your lips
and it lit up the night like a dove painting circles around us with its wings.
i felt it in my lungs
blocking off my air supply
but i was used to that;
i'm used to you.
i fell back
and
the stars were making pretty patterns in the sky
and
i heard you coughing so
i gave you all my air and pretended not to notice that
i'd have to breathe at some point.
i was lying still
with everything crashing down around me
and i couldn't close my eyes for too long
because i knew that if i fell asleep,
when i woke up
you would be gone
and i wouldn't be able to fit back in with the world.
your eyes were glazed over
and you were shining and i was reflecting your light
but you didn't notice i was even there until
i started shaking so hard that i knocked you off your pedestal.
we were,
we were tripping hard.
we were falling in
or out of love;
it was hard to tell.
you held me until my trembling subsided
and you kept reassuring me
that i was safe with you and that
i didn't have to worry because you wouldn't let me fall apart.
you whispered into my eyes
but you didn't hold me close enough;
i fell apart that night.
Author notes
i forgot my name but remembered your face.
A contest entry
- Is Dirty Pretty a Lost Cause? by Hell In Harmony.
6500 points, ended July 22, 2008, 37 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - wake me up and let me know you're alive by Weetzie bat.
850 points, ended July 25, 2008, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - TELL ME ABOUT IT..... by xwarriorXprincessx.
550 points, ended August 4, 2008, 52 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry, Poetry and PreWrites! by Lost Vampyre Angel.
1200 points, ended September 13, 2008, 340 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Drugs and Addiction by whiterabbit..
400 points, ended October 9, 2008, 38 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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PUT THIS ON YOUR AUTHORS PAGE
its fkn brilliant.
and id like to be able to read it anytime i want haha
♥ -
This is amazing dollface. I love it. The details and imagery are just perfection. Reading this made me feel like crying for some reason. I think it's because it started bringing back old memories and such. There's so much emotion in this that I can really feel.
"baby, I only did it because you made it beautiful.
in the dark your smoke curled away from your lips
and it lit up the night like a dove painting circles around us with its wings."
"I felt it in my lungs
blocking off my air supply
but I was used to that;
I'm used to you."
"I was lying still
& everything was crashing down around us
& I couldn't close my eyes for too long
because I knew that if I fell asleep,
when I woke up I wouldn't be able to fit back in with the world"
"we were tripping hard.
we were falling in
or out of love;
it was hard to tell."
"you didn't hold me close enough;
I fell apart that night."
I know I just about copied the whole poem but I couldn't help myself. It's that wonderful
I'm sure you're tired of hearing it but you seem so much older than 15. I wish I had your talent when I was 15. I wish I had your talent now at 18.
You're brilliant sweetie.
♥
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thanks, love.
writing this did make me cry, haha
for the same reason as you; it brought back memories.
I never tire of hearing compliments
does anyone?
thanks again for the praise
but honestly, it's not talent...
it's just venting.
glad you liked it.
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well than your venting is brilliant dear
& I can see how this would make you cry, it's so vivid and emotional
I'm glad my compliments don't annoy you
♥
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I am just in love with your style. The way the words pour onto the page with such abandon...I don't even know what to say....You have a great gift. Your words are so beautiful they bring tears to my eyes...they take me to places I've been and to places I've only dreamed of going. I'm going to read more...but I feel inadequate to express my enjoyment!
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thank you so much
comments make me SO happy
so don't worry about being 'inadequate'
seriously, you're definitely more qualified than me.
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we were tripping hard.
we were falling in
or out of love;
it was hard to tell.
that was my favorite part
for being written in five minutes that was a very good poem
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Beautifully penned, I love the phrasing, portrayed some gorgous yet sad imagery. Thanks for entering and good luck
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"you whispered into my eyes
until all I could see
were your words
floating in the colourless space
behind my vision
but that only made me dizzier."
I love your stuff already and I've only read 2 pieces.
You are very talented m'dear -
thanks for entering.
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"I was lying still
& everything was crashing down around us
& I couldn't close my eyes for too long
because I knew that if I fell asleep,
when I woke up I wouldn't be able to fit back in with the world"
really intense. I love the way you actually use metaphors to say something metaphorically. you are pretty much my idol
lol
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wow i cant believe you dont like your poetry. So beautiful. Well written for writing it in 5 minutes (and sleep deprived as well Oh did i mention you have great tastes in music as well.
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You surely have a way with words here, and this is very well written. A powerful and moving write. Thanks for enetring my contest. Blessings, Patty
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I LOVE YOUR WORK!
i'm assuming that both this and the last time are yours, just judging by the style and the fact that i received them within seconds of each other. your work makes me die a little on the inside. i wish i could express myself like this. it is wonderful. it is perfect. this is immaculate and precious. i am literally reeling.
whoever you write for... i hope they realize how lucky they are. i yearn for this kind of affection.... more than i'd like to admit.
bravissimo. -
but i was used to that,
i'm used to you.
i was lying still
& everything was crashing down around us
& i couldn't close my eyes for too long
cause i knew that if i fell asleep,
when i woke up i wouldn't be able to fit back in with the world
amazing. simply wonderous. you really have a way with words, and right now those words have left me breathless and craving so much more!
thank you for entering my contest -
AMAZINGGGG!!!
i loveeee thissss;
baby i only did it because you made it beautiful.
in the dark your smoke curled away from your lips
and it lit up the night like a dove painting circles around us with its wings.
i felt it in my lungs
blocking off my air supply
but i was used to that,
i'm used to you.
love these concepts;
& i heard you coughing so
i gave you all my air and pretended not to notice that
i'd have to breathe at some point.
i was lying still
& everything was crashing down around us
& i couldn't close my eyes for too long
cause i knew that if i fell asleep,
when i woke up i wouldn't be able to fit back in with the world
but it wasn't scary;
you were beside me
love the way you write
AMAZING;
you whispered into my eyes
until all i could see
were your words
floating in the colourless space
behind my vision
but that only made me dizzier.
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*Finalist*
This was simply, in one word, amazing.
'i gave you all my air and pretended not to notice that
i'd have to breathe at some point.'
and then...
'you didn't hold me close enough;
i fell apart that night.'
That ending was just like...WOAH. It just hits you in the chest, and just..wow, is all I can say.
♥
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this is like a story that keeps you on the edge of your seat the whole way through. thankies so much for entering. this entire piece was beautiful...
dont you love when you have random thoughts come to you and everytthing turns out gorgeous..
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Captivating
It's amazing, because I can't tell if you're really talking about getting high or being in love. (I'm beginning to suspect they're the same thing) Seriously, though, the only way I know how to interpret this for myself is through my experience of being in love with the wrong person who didn't truly love me back.
"your eyes were glazed over
& you were shining
& i was only reflecting your light
but you didn't notice i was even there until
my body started shaking so violently that i knocked you off your pedestal.
we were,
we were tripping hard.
we were falling in
or out of love;
it was hard to tell."
Those line blew me out of the water for some reason. This is absolutely stunning. I was completely captivated in the end.
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I liked it too... I usually don't like this style too much -- but it is powerfully real. [or at least it feels that way]
Your words will move people, to a reality that is sad but true. -
Thanks for entering! I do have to say it does encourage smoking in away.. that's everything I'm against.. but its a truly great poem.. A tremendous effort for 1 am.
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Great piece, a jewel from the night! See, sleep deprivation ain't all that bad, lol. No, but seriously, I think your words were captivating, creating imagery with every line. Good job!
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remember how i told you that other poem was your best one.. i lied
i honestly think this is your best write ever
its amazing
like every word brought an image to my head
wow i loved this so much
this might be the first poem im gonna bookmark. seriously awesome
you should write more at 1am hahahaa
i would tell you my favourite part like i usually do but i loved all of it. wowwww.
xx.♥
ps. im goin to the cottage today so i cant write or talk to you
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It's....odd. 0_o; I thought you were talking about pot or something, but it's more than that somehow. I do like it, but I couldn't tell you exactly why. Your language use is pretty amazing, though. You've put this together well even if it is only a five-minute write. Lovely even if it is strange. Cheers!
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"i gave you all my air & pretended not to notice that
i'd have to breathe at some point."
I love those lines.
This poem is brilliant.
♥ Jojo x sinnocence
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