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The room is cold....

The room is cold; I stand before the red door,

in the puddle a rat dying at last appear,

as the shutters drew back on the chamber floor.

 

From the water that fell upon the sore,

flash, flash the lightening bolt drew near,

the room is cold; I stand before the red door.

 

Death comes now as his eyes sunken no more,

laid back his shoulder shaken of austere,

as the shutters drew back on the chamber floor.

 

 

Managed to cling on a board near the drawer,

as his paws ripped the hold where splinter tear,

the room is cold; I stand before the red door.

 

Laid the cat ready to pounce, of hunger of abhor

smell, that cunning thirst, on the rickety to adhear,

as the shutters drew back on the chamber floor.

 

Blind eyes, cold of sapphire, where the gore

spew, laid out on the lewd, engaged its decor,

the room is cold; I stand before the red door,

as the shutters drew back on the chamber floor.

 

Author notes

villanelle form

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Little Eagle Greeters member
    November 1, 2008

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    Very gothic in nature

    A creepy feeling. Grammatically your sentence structures were a little off. Some of your word choices where you used transitions words such as; To, and, as. Didn't really fit with the thought you were trying to convey. The result was a disjointed and haulting feeling.

    Is this one of your first villanelle's? I too had this same problem, trying to stick in words to keep the syllable count lol. You have some rough edges that could be worked out. Your imagery and and feeling is strong. Just need to work on the mechanics.

    I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.

    God Bless
    Tammy


  • Room without doors gold member
    October 22, 2008

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    Outstanding

    I have written several villanelles and they are very difficult to do. I thought the rhyme was very strong and I liked the lines that you chose to repeat. This poem achieves a lot -very fluid with some excellent contrasts and images.

    • haley27 gold member
      October 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you

      Thank you for the wonderful comment given to my poem. I kinda change that one line just a bit to give more contrast. Haley27


  • grannyeri gold member
    September 2, 2008

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    Have never written this form, but do enjoy reading them. You did an awesome job with this one. Good use of repetition of lines - makes sense too.


  • CitrineSunrise silver member
    August 12, 2008

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    I love villanelles and I enjoyed reading this one. The imagery is vivid throughout the poem. I think the grammar could be improved, particularly in the refrain line "The room is cold standing at the red door" because it reads as if the room is standing. It would make more sense as "The room is cold; I stand before the door". I will look forward to reading more of your work. Peace, Liz

    • haley27 gold member
      August 12, 2008
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      great

      I will use ur advice and refrace the poem. Thank u for the wonderful sentiments given to my poem. Haley27


  • thekidxthestreet
    July 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well this was good

    • haley27 gold member
      July 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      thank u for liking my poem and commenting on it. Haley27


  • Ephiphany
    July 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great imagery in this, good luck and thanks for entering.

    ephiphany

    • haley27 gold member
      July 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      thank u for the wonderful comments given to my poem. Haley27


  • rollingzen
    July 16, 2008
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    well done


  • HurtsKillsPains
    July 16, 2008

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    Great poem! I love the repitition you use in reference to it being cold by the red door, and the imagry is great. Bravo! i think my favorite part may have to be ""From the water that fell upon the sore,

    flash, flash the lightening bolt drew near,

    the room is cold standing at the red door""
    Like I said this is a great poem and I hope you do well in your contests!!!
    Jessi

    • haley27 gold member
      July 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thank u

      thank u for the wonderful comments and I really hope this fit the contest rules. Haley27

1 - 13 of 13