I wake up every morning to see you.
Tell me what it is if you don't mind.
But as it has always been
you don't say a thing.
Tell me who it is and relieve me of my misery
but you don't say a word
I hate it when i wake up every morning
because i see you watching me with that look;
that look that makes me feel you will tell me some day.
Tell me who it is that you have been hiding from me.
Why don't you sleep at night;
Why do you keep staring at me;
Why don't you say something?
But in the end somebody has to give up,
in the end somebody has to let go
so i won't ask you again
if you won't say a thing.
But you leave me helpless:
you leave me with this inscription in your shirt
"Somebody at kumasi loves me"
A contest entry
- Fine line between by Rowan.
3500 points, ended July 13, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - should you be on my favorites? by Melissa Gayle.
600 points, ended February 3, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
-
I think you have a foundation here but you need more imagery and less tell.
You can remove a lot of the fill and make it punch that much more -
such despair
wow. I love the sadness and the desperation you portray... Just wanting to know... How that hurts.. I felt this poem.
Love
Rareflower
x
p.s thanks for the commment on my poems. wonderful as always!!
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you know if this was cleaned up a bit, it would make a more mature showing; no offense. I think, punctuation is a necessary evil in some pieces; apostrophes especially.
"Tell me what it is if dont mind"
I think a word is missing.
There's an awful lot of articles and some repetion don't work for me. Just small nits.
But the ending was bang on. Loved that.
So thanks you so much for entering this.
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