All the seasons of madness
have folded in on me
petals from a dying flower
All the sun's rays
pierce into me
knowledge of my own perdition
Cloud's fleeting cover, and sky's
constant shifting
has denied me a road or a marker
All the flowers crushed beneath
my oafish feet
sear my soul with silence
And nothing is darker than the dawning of day
As the world awakens to a new beginning
But I live cursed to follow
The seven-day cycle
That shall never end
A contest entry
- Back to Where I was...... by the tempest.
475 points, ended July 27, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How is it?
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Oh, WoW, this is extremely strong. I love what you are saying in these powerful lines. Love the imagery and metaphor. Only a couple of changes in line breaks would improve the flow, I think, I could be wrong. Line 5 break at me and drop to knowledge. Omit And before all the flowers it will make "And nothing is darker than the dawning of day", much stronger. I love that line by the way, the twist of dawning, being dark. Also, drop But and begin, "I live, cursed, to follow". Really I can't get over how good this is. Remember I only offer suggestions, it is your poem, read it with the small changes and do what works for you. Now on to the next poem.
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Thanks for the suggestions, I think they actually did serve to make it better.
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-shock-
I honestly couldn't stop reading it. I just read it over and over again. Very awesome poem.
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"All the sun's rays
pierce into me knowledge of
my own perdition"
YES!!! Okay amazing, not going to lie I now believe you're a super genius.
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Cure those blaste Azteca for inventing our calendar
jk. I like the imagery in the beginning. Usually, you stop and it feels like you could go farther on a poem, but I really think that this one is finished. Well done Ben.
Warmest,
Mylee
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