In time, change sought slight terms of dainty chords
that sights produce upon once bought faint flint,
recluse, seduced in tiny still of fjord,
cliff sentenced wench to weave ally intent.
Sent twine, confined swine crushed pork rinds, divine
blind parrot signed, mimed her prime deaf mute.
Cut to flaunt pleasing pomp, pursue sublime
as capered goat curved halves, around lip's toot.
Fleeced fortune lay spread eagle under bed,
fed lies pry open sacred bread, paints sum
where tight sneer drums breathe inside courtship's lead,
her poisoned pretense low, when screaks sighed numb.
Banshee of gold, so quivered she quaffed warmth,
pure essence of youth served, stoned echo's growth.
Author notes
Am experimenting with Iambic Pentameter and figured I'd give the English Sonnet a go ... I'd like to know if the structure is ok ... I'm assuming the ending couplet is off rhyme wise. That, however, can be used as a personal stamp.
My hope is the content is good enough to grab and keep your attention.
Any advice or comments welcome, remember, I am in learning mode.
Thanks to PerfectImperfection and kiwigirljacks for their input and support!
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Ahhh now you already know I love this!!
Me + Form = Crap!!
You + Form = Brilliance still!! Damn you!! lol
As my Kindred Spirit said below.. and abstract delight!!
Thanks for the mention.. but I didn't do anything.. but always love to support your work!
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You help more than you know ...
Thanks my Kiwi Queen!
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Wow this is so abstract. Really like the 'dainty chords' very original. However, I'm not really sure what on earth any of this means, it reads like random statements to me, but that's only an opinion. Interesting to see a sonnet divided like this - I presume it's a hybrid Shakespearean sonnet given the alternating rhyme scheme and as you say in your author notes the final lines aren't rhyming couplets. Must admit never heard the title English Sonnet before, we just call them Shakespearean as this is the pattern he apparently developed, well that's what my tutor said.
Well done you for being brave and taking on a difficult form but I'm sorry I have no idea what this is actually about. Structure and form wise it's good, but as for subject, I really don't know what to say - perhaps you could enlighten! I get the imagery but again that seems abstract and unconnected to me.
Thanks for sharing, I hope I haven't been too harsh, but I don't know about you, I'd much rather have honesty and suggestions than just a bland 'Great!'
Keep writing - it's the best. I salute your courage in even attempting this form. -
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Many thanks for your comments and views. They are much desired and appreciated. I write abstractly ... and I have yet come across a sonnet with this abstractness. I wanted to receive feedback mainly on the pentameter stuff ... the content is done in my style to ease the burden on my brain.
Doing this, however, has enlightened me to a different style. I'm not truly concerned with that though.
Check out Desire's comment below, I believe that expresses my intent. I normally leave interpretation up to the reader.
Harsh ... not at all. I know my style is not for everyone, in the abstract realm, but you've given me some more inspiration to further explore the sonnet or other metered forms.
Rhyme scheme comes from the English/Shakespearean/Elizabethan Sonnet, I presume, from what's on the internet .. abab cdcd efef gg ..
Again, thank you for your honest comment ..
Steve
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Wow~
You just go on with Your weaving of words also with content that stimulates the senses
Oy!!!
this line:
fed lies pry open sacred bread, paints sum
The images now I'm strange but I was getting this sense of a female- selling her body maybe not for money but for companionship-fill the emotional void
And money did not even have to be exchanged- just the bed not staying empty if that makes any sense~
Now I remember telling myself- Self, I rather go to the Dentist and get a root canal then pen a Sonnet-
and whatcha do- You pen with ease
Love this!! and please don't tell me this was Your first- closes eyes...for if so-
Dangggggggggggggg~ Excellent!!
Thank You for sharing Your Talent and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet Soul
Best wishes too
and much love & light~ Desire~*~
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Ease?! You call that easy?! heheheheh Took 4 to 6 hours of playing with this and that and another day to rummage through anything I missed. Me and iambic pentameter fight ... it usually leaves a du-DUM mark on my head for the death strike.
I think you pretty much hit my intent ... you have an annoying way of doing that! 
hehhe j/k
But yeah ... first true one .. a tried a couple without the du-DUM ... pentameter stuff.
Many thanks for your take and time my Beacon of Light.
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Hi
I'm doing classes on meter and form so I liked the rhythm of this piece. Also the last lines were lovely, as they reminded me of my user name, a 400 year old irish banshee. The words seemed to sugest the young heart beating with energy in an old frame and I really thought that was great.
'Banshee of gold, so quivered she quaffed warmth,
pure essence of youth served, stoned echo's growth.'
Thank you for sharing!
. Rewarded 8
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"Fleeced fortune lay spread eagle under bed,
fed lies pry open sacred bread, paints sum
where tight sneer drums breathe inside courtship's lead,
her poisoned pretense low, when screaks sighed numb."
That was by far my favourite stanza of the piece, the imagery it paints to me is absolutely breathtaking. You did amazing for your first attempt at an English sonnet, which is something I have yet to master so I can not critique it further for you. My apologies of not giving any criticism but I just find it to be perfect the way that it is.
Thank you for sharing, all the best.
Rodwen
. Rewarded 8
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Well, as far as iambic pentameter goes, I'm completely useless; all I know is that it has something to do with ten syllables a line. The content did keep my attention, but I wasn't really sure where it was going, or, really, what is was about. It was pretty, certainly, and definately interesting. The vocabulary was very beautiful, and the uniformity of the rhyme scheme was very well done. It was enjoyable, but I would add a synopsis in your author notes about what exactly the poem is about, though it is quite brilliant. Oh, and in line 11, I would change 'snear' to 'snare', as I think that is what you were trying to say. Good job ^_^
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You learned something!
does your head hurt now? Lol.. jk... you did a really good job for your first time .. I really loved the last two lines.. don't know why they just jumped out at me but you did great.. Keep trying and you'll be writing this stuff perfectly in no time!
Angel
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A beautiful first try my dear! This is such an abstract delight of thought and imagery. There is indeed, no escape from the poignancy here! Nicely done!
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