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[ Standing alone in the gym, ]

Standing alone in the gym,
Flashes of pink and black,
Scream past me,
Voices raised to the melody,
And the beat starts to take me.

My heart thumps steadily,
Boom
Boom
Boom
Typically my feet join in,
And now I too am swaying.

Suddenly Im grasped
The symphony crescendos
His aura envails me
Laughter is catching.

No longer am I alone
And our voices entwine,
Dancing around each other
Finding each harmony and,
Making them our own.

Now the violins,
Are slowing it down,
Bringing the song and dance,
To a classical end.
I spin some more
Lost in the music
Don't ever come find me.










                                  Haiku 2nd Round

Trickle stream away,
Soft your diamonds flow,
Racing with the rainbow fish.

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • cvillelisa
    August 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Round 3 has been posted. Please follow the same format, posting your Round 3 poem under your Haiku.

    Thanks and good luck.

    Lisa


  • Lute
    August 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    s s s s s
    Trickle stream away, - (5)
    s s s s s
    Soft your diamonds flow, - (5)
    s s s s s s s
    Racing with the rainbow fish. - (7)


    round 2:

    content 6.4
    vocabulary 7
    accuracy 6.8
    creativity 7
    theme 6.7
    originality 7

    totals: 40.9


  • cvillelisa
    August 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for your Haiku. We are scoring today and will post Round 3 instructions shortly!

    Stay tuned.

    Lisa


  • porksnorkel
    August 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    remove the punctuation and the gerund and I think the ku is pretty good.

    trickle stream - away
    soft your diamonds flow
    to race with rainbow fish


  • cvillelisa
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply


    Round 2 instructions have been posted on the Contest page. Please read and begin! Good luck.

    Lisa


  • Lute
    August 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    content 7
    vocabulary 9
    accuracy 8.4
    creativity 7
    theme 7.2
    originality 7

    totals 45.6


  • cvillelisa
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    Sigh.



    "my heart thumps steadily?"



    poetry reaches for new ways of saying old things -- that fails the test.


    I am searching for a line here to save for you to start again... I mean it is totally fine that you write these things but this is more a diary entry, written for yourself -- what is in this poem for me? Your reader?

    You seem to know music -- try writing a poem that shows me what color music is.... reach into the unknown. Try to pull stars from the sky and tell me the sound that makes... you see?

    I'm sorry I can't be more positive.

    Lisa


  • GarneT
    August 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your opinion. I can see what you mean.

  • porksnorkel
    August 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    his aura envails me?

    boring and prosaic

1 - 9 of 9