Run Forest! Run...
While huffing gas one day at the pump.
I dreamt that I met Forest Gump.
He offered me candy
For a left handed shandy
'stead I bent him nude 'ver a stump.
When I finished him up I was proud
But having not noticed the crowd,
and with no hand towel?
I loosened my bowel
With a prolonged inaudible growl.
86'd
I would have two more of the same
If I could just remember my name
But I lost my name tag
When I purchased that bag
of laxative laden cocaine
Whatta you mean I've had enough?
And that you'll toss me out on my duff
I have on my superman shirt
So I cannot be hurt
My PCP slur's hardly bluff.
Excuse me miss, but are you a whore?
Because your snatch I've come to explore
With your come fuck me eyes
And your garbage bag ties
Let's fuck, 'till you walk no more.
That bouncer was sure fuckin' pissed
When he wiped off my face with his fist
How could I've known
'twas his girl I had blown
My wad in the mouth he just kissed.
Count Spatula
There once was a Count that was fond
of how his panned cakes wouldn't bond
To his front, nor his rear
On a shaved wolf he'd steer
Those queer eggs with his buttered wand.
He was revered across all'f the land
Him and his well cooked rock 'n roll band
Of Fricasied Robbed zombies
In Fitchingly felched Abercrombies
"Underwear" Said the count, 'must' be always name brand.
Because, to be caught with no name on your butt?
While out Golfing the miniature putt putt
course of action should be
Shake twice 'fter you pee
Lest the Count smell out your stain and spatulate...
AIDS in a nurse
There once was some AIDS in a nurse,
but the prognosis gets even worse.
Because she came down with SARS,
from cruising the bars.
With no Kung-foo-gayce in her purse.
Because, one fateful night she was raped.
By a delivery boy and his plate
of General Tsao's chicken,
In an autistic Wiccan.
That coughed where his chopstick was stapled (sticken).
Milkshake until beef jerky
There once was a mad cow from Ontario.
That wobbled and foamed in stereo.
She was an udder disaster.
Since protein is faster.
Then your butcher's alarm-clock-death radio
While mining in Tanzania
Thank God for my friends in the CIA
So for my vaccinations I do not pay
I'll be chirping on my motorola
While you aint resistant to Ebola
You'll bleed inside out, so they say.
At the airport I wipe at my nose bleed
With enough diamonds to satisfy all of my greed
Is that blood in my shit
Part of my profit?
In the Congo, death has no need to read.
Author notes
Written January 6th, 2004
In a list
A contest entry
- Druggies of the World by Tearin u down.
420 points, ended February 16, 2005, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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BAHAHAHAHA This is halarious! Amazing job!
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I am in sensory overload and that, like this piece , is a good thinng ,, as always you blow me away ...
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funny funny funny, not sure which of my categories this falls under, but it was still good, thanks for entering.
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Well it had depth... of a sort and it probably was excellent but I couldn't really tell because my senses shut down after the first one. Maybe I'll come back later when I'm a bit more refreshed. Good luck in the contest.
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still coming to the count when i'm pissed off.
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tho' lewd and undoubtedly crude, you're skilled at the limerick, but some made me smile while others just made me sick!
nothing is sacred and it's all very earthy
but Horus, as a poet you are certainly worthy!
(sorry, it's too late at night for me to be trying to be smart like this, especially at the foot of a master rhymer like yourself.) -
you're one wicked hilarious fellow. i enjoyed these peices very much so. my favorite being run forrest run. keep up the good work!
Shana -
hahaha i think i finally got a six pack from that amazing stuff!!!
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I love the Dave Eggers reference in the title as well as the limericks themselves. You are a truly sick bastard. I plan on going to read the rest of your material as soon as possible.
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::Laughs:: that was WONDERFUL! The count was my favorite, though the Tanzanian one struck me as more true than humorus but ::shrugs:: I suppose its funny in its own way! Loved it!
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I need not smoke cannibus to make me understand(abus)? Political nerve really hit on Tanzanian piece.... But I keep coming back to the Count...thankful I followed Ms. Plink to your poems. Thank you for sharing your very thought provoking verse with the rest of us working class slobs. smile
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Alright
i didn't like it sorry -
excellent as usual. just love all your mad bits.
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this pome is so funny
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