Trying my hardest, teasing loss with each attempt
As each obstacle in life pushes me over the line
I find a secondary dimension of disappointment and defeat
Wanting to cross back over into omnipresent reality
Each step towards the reality is taken in small strides
Unseen forces cause me to gravitate towards the nothingness
I've touched it many times before; it instills permanent fear
Blood encased in your veins turns black as it speaks to you
"You are NOTHING but a FAILURE"
With no choice but to hear it, my senses are heightened
No remorse or grievance in the force's voice
Emotions are ripped from my mind, feelings from my skin
All that remains is an outer shell of my former self
Semi-conscious, wishing to return to my sweet home
Whenever my front foot reaches the promise land
My body splits two-fold, engulfing my anatomy in flames
No one can hear my screams...except the empty matter
"help me..."
Author notes
Don't know what brought this out...Just everything jumbled up in my head backed by this lethal migraine -_-...I'd like to have people's feedback, opinion and interpretation of this piece...
I used some pretty advanced language compared to my regular work...and happy with the structure as well...enjoy reading...
A contest entry
- prewrites by aeolia.
400 points, ended October 26, 2008, 130 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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""You are NOTHING but a FAILURE""
Ouch. That one burns hard, and difficult to overcome particularly if the brain is insistent on repeating itself over and over again.
Found this one a little hard to read, just the continual lines followign one another but the ending, with the "help me" was ingenious I thought, after such a strong poem, showing you're not afraid to show weakness - nicely done! -
well......its good!its too good!!!
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Ok; logistics
"I find a secondary dimension of disappointment and defeat">>this is choking on awkwardness and alliteration. I'd reword.
"Wanting to cross back over into omnipresent reality"> ? .....This is a bad line; I"m just going to be blunt.
You use 'reality' too close together, it's distracting.
>>"You are NOTHING but a FAILURE">> why are you yelling? it'd read much more powerful uncapped, as a whisper...
"My body splits two-fold, engulfing my anatomy in flames">>>this is very forced, and out of place. 'Anatomy' is essentially, strictly a science-based term, you are using it improperly here. I know on dictionary.com it says it's a synonym, but you have to be careful. It'd read better as just
"engulfing me in flames".
When using advanced language; placement is key; as is knowing the proper definition. I felt this was forced, I didn't get much. I'd edit this to give it some life. I did like the form; and the capping of the first letter of each line, actually works here; kudos for that.
~Pt
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I love the image of blood encased in veins. Other than that, this felt extremely contrived.
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at first i thought you used a word bank, because you're right, the wording is not your usual. but i love it...the imagery is great in this one! the advanced wording makes it more mysterious; it's not as spelled out for the reader. i love the second dimension...how it's so dark, how you're trying to get to the promised land and yet you burn every time you get close. greatttt imagery...i really love this one!!
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well i know this feeling all to o welll been there done that still am doing.... i feel like a failure everyday... thats me.... failure... anyway.. nice poem.... i prefer rhyme but this was good... thanks for sharing keep penning its suppose to help..sometimes it does sometimes it dont.....
lil-bit
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