2dr: 18.7.08
My father drove a hundred kilometres
as I sat beside him in the front seat
feeling the thrill every time we passed a car.
We didn't talk much, as was our way
so I pretended we were in a race.
The finish line was every third traffic light
and we won many races until we left the suburbs
and I had to think of something else to do.
I would read out loud every sign I saw
and sometimes my father corrected
my mis-pronounciations in his heavy accent.
We crossed a long bridge and listened
to the cries of sea birds on the water.
My father parked the car on a dirt track
near a cliff above the dark ocean.
He took out our sleeping bags
and lay them side by side on a groundsheet.
"We will sleep under the stars" he said,
"And I'll talk to you about becoming a man."
He drank from a small bottle and told me
to take a sip. It burned my throat and he said:
"It will protect you from the cold".
We lay amongst the tall dry grasses looking
at stars and he told me their names.
He talked about the birds and bees
in short, uncertain sentences
but all I could hear were the howls of wild animals
and the sound of the ocean crashing on rocks.
I went deeper into my sleeping bag and realized
he was waiting for me to answer a question.
"I know all about it," I lied, "We learnt it at school."
I stared at the stars until I became one of them
and I rode across the sky all night.
The light and heat of the sun woke me
and my father remained curled up in his bag
so I found an orange in the car and ate it.
I walked off to explore the cliffs and beach.
On the sand dunes I found two penguins in a hole
with flies buzzing around them. They were dead
and much smaller than I thought they would be.
The smell was terrible so I moved away
and found another two dead penguins under a bush.
A tire lay half buried in the sand
with many more cute penguins lying there.
I ran back to my father and woke him
shouting that I'd found a penguin cemetery.
I asked him what was going on.
He said "All living things die, sometimes
even the love between a married man and woman."
I knew he was talking about himself and my mother
but I didn't want to hear about that
because I wanted them to get back together again.
I said "They're dead but they're still together."
I walked among the penguins trying not to cry
until my father said it was time to go home.
A contest entry
- A Stroll Down Memory Lane (PW welcome) by thepoetsings.
700 points, ended August 2, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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excellent
We crossed a long bridge and listened
to the cries of sea birds on the water.
My father parked the car on a dirt track
near a cliff above the dark ocean.
He took out our sleeping bags
and lay them side by side on a groundsheet.
"We will sleep under the stars" he said,
"And I'll talk to you about becoming a man."
He drank from a small bottle and told me
to take a sip. It burned my throat and he said:
"It will protect you from the cold".
wow what beautiful words.loved the above apragraph.Please visit my poetry as well.
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I would call this prose, not poetry [not even 'narrative poetry']...however,the feelings expressed are genuine, authentic
. Rewarded 4
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wow what a walk down memory lane here. Never pleasant when you think of your parents breaking up. However, life goes on. I had a stepbrother who once told me that the reason he did drugs was because he couldn't handle that his parents had broken up. I told him that what he wanted was just an excuse cuz I didn't do drugs... and my parents didn't just break up... my father died. My mom and his dad didn't stay together very long...
. Rewarded 8
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wow
I was not expecting this type of write, based on the title. Very emotional to me, and I must say, seems so to the child. Very well written, keep it up! -
I love this line
"I stared at the stars until I became one of them
and I rode across the sky all night."
This certainly is a stroll down memory lane...and can only come from the heart. I have not tried writing much prose but later I will ...thank you, a lovely story. Darlene
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You have done it again .Nice simply put full of heart and wonderful sceanery .
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Simple Brilliance
This write took me on a journey,both yours and my own,
I loved the style just telling it like it was with little details thrown in,perfection of imagery,
our past shapes our future,but we can still change,
my parents divorced after thirty years of marriage.
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I think birds and bees is a little surface for the gritty reality of the onset of the piece. My only little stifling complaint in an otherwise nearly perfect piece.
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Hi, an unusual poem and one I enjoyed very much, a good write, all the best Di
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A super write! I love the narrative nature of this poem and I found it drew me on, so it didn't feel long at all. I loved the title, it works really well with the innocence of the childs thoughts and reflected how as children we often think of absurd things when our parents are trying to get our attention.
'but I didn't want to hear about that' Expertly put in child like simplicity.
So sad a moment encased in wonder and innocence. Wonderful!
. Rewarded 8
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This is a beautiful poem. Memorable imagery, it draws the reader slowly, gradually, irresistibly into it.
Here's a few thoughts:
In L2 it is understood that you are in the front seat, not sure you need to say that. In the 4th stanza, not sure if the "cute" penguins are dead or not. I would say that having the parents dead but the cute babies still alive would be a powerful metaphor for this poem. But perhaps all the penguins are dead, in which case I wonder if they are still cute.
Not sure if you need this line, "because I wanted them to get back together again." I think the reader deserves credit for being able to figure this out on his own; you did a good job getting that message across already.
. Rewarded 8
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Superb
An intriguing write indeed. An excellent portrayal of youth with a good father. I have empathy for those who haven't had good parenting. Very well written. Thanks for sharing.
. Rewarded 4
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You go where you were going and you end up where you were headed. Even when you hadn't planned on being there. There are passages and choices and all the don't wanna in the world can keep back the flood of the truth. Excellent use of penguins. Nice use of contrast between games while riding in the car and the birds and bees, adult games. Interesting read. Like stumbling upon found poetry from the stray leaf of a journal that has blown up against the windshield of my parked car.
Peace & Light,
Tom B.
. Rewarded 8
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so amazing, wonderfully written. an interesting way to write about heartbreak..wasn't expecting it, but it was very good all the same.. keep up the good work.
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heartbreak
Thanks Luna!
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My apologies, I'm sure this is perhaps possibly the best memory filled free verse poem I've never read, but it will always remain that way, I haven't the time nor attention span to give up here.
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attention span
np
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very very touching!
not to worry about length of poem, too many poets brag
about their short attn. spans as if it is honorable
for them to do so.
This freewrite was very inspiring and touching to the
soul. I think it will have an impact on many....and
bring much comfort to those tender wounds divorce
leaves on our childhood souls.
way to write!
that was a very lovely and inspiring freewrite!
ears/Seattle BRAVO! BRAVO!
. Rewarded 8
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impact
Thank you very much ears!~
Glad to know that you think this about my poem. It's very pleasing. Much appreciated,
myron.
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This is one of the rare exceptions to when an extremely wordy, lengthy poem is gripping and interesting until the very last line. It was deeply saddening to read about the poor dead penguins, and it was heartening and comforting to read the lesson that the father is teaching his son with this small-potatoes tragedy. The easy, soft, free-style form helped the reader (me, right? lol) concentrate and the heart-warming story. Yeah, that's a little corny, but I really enjoyed. Best of luck in the contest ^_^
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free-stylle
Thanks forethought - your validation of this poem is heartening, even moreso because you have taken the trouble to express your thoughts and reactions to the piece. Thanks for your good wishes; they are appreciated.
Myron.
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I did not want to quote your entire lot of lines...but I had to...as they were the core message of the poem....imagery and activities are very well depicted....you leave a tremendous yearing for a loving parent couple...brings tears to eyes...did a great job with this...here are the lines which I loved and would like to quote;
ran back to my father and woke him
shouting that I'd found a penguin cemetery.
I asked my father what was going on.
He said "All living things die, sometimes
even the love between a married man and woman."
I knew he was talking about himself and my mother
but I didn't want to hear about that
because I wanted them to get back together again.
I said "They're dead but they're still together."
I use same genre.Please visit some of my poetry as well.Speciall read the Tale of stopped Time -
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imagery
Thanks sg - glad this narrative poem moved you. These memories have stayed with me for many years so i'm glad that i've been able to collect them into a poem at last.
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Establishes narrative and character straight away and I like the way you immediately convey the feelings of an excited child. It's so honest the way you describe how the boy lies because he doesn't want his father to think of him as a baby and really capture his sense of embarrassment. Love the line 'I stared at the stars until I became one of them/and I rode across the sky all night' - brilliantly evocative of the boy's dreams.
Shifts mood very smoothly with the discovery of the dead birds and I like the way you don't fall into sentiment when describing them but really capture a child's simplistic description as if he doesn't yet have the words to convey what he sees 'a penguin cemetary' so simple yet so moving - that's just brilliant! Very clever how you work in the metaphor of the dead penguins and the parents' marriage troubles and this ends on such a poignant yet credible note.
This is one of the most sensitive and thought provoking writes I've read to date on this site. You are a very impressive writer and I salute you for your wordsmithery (if there isn't such a word then there should be) Great write and thank you so much for sharing. I'll look out for more of your work.
. Rewarded 8
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wordsmithery
Thank you very much for your perceptive and thoughtful comments. They are very much appreciated and I enjoyed reading how this poem moved you. Wordsmithery - what a lovely word!
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Not Poetic
I see that this is posted because of the "Stroll Down Memory Lane" contest. It's definitely a stroll down memory lane, but I don't find it poetic at all, if it is supposed to be. I do, however, find it at first very sweet and thought it would be a good memory and was sorry when it turned sorrowful. It's so sad when people mismanage the little time they have with their kids, as well as what happens to kids caught in the wakes of what parents do. When you think of what that outing could have, should have been between the parent and child, it's just a great loss. -
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poetic?
Thanks Libra - you're right, it's more of a narrative poem. Thanks for your comments.
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I can see your memories as you write this poem. A very poignant story that I am sure will bring memories to many on AP and wherever you decide to publish it. Sort of a coming of age thing. Although I am a girl, I can still relate to the thoughts and feelings you have so brilliantly shown here. Best of luck in the contest, although I'm sure there is nothing to worry about. The gold should be yours.
Joan
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poignant
Thanks Joan - nice to know that this boy';s story can also appeal to girls.
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Very good write Myron!
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I like this, the young point of view is maintained well, and the vocabulary and world-view are consistent throughout. The imagery is great, and we join the poet on the drive to the beach, and share his steps into the adult world. My only reservation is that the poet seems a little too detached from what was an emotional time. I want to feel what he was feeling, rather than the distance that he imposed on his father.
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emotions
Thanks Pania for your wonderful response. You're correct that I don't say overtly what the boy's emotions were as he's in a state of shock because his family has split up and he doesn't know how to handle it. I had hoped that the images and his actions gave the readers clues to how he was feeling. I'll look at the poem agin and will revise it, with your thoughts in mind.
Thanks heaps,
myron.
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This is very good. It reminds me of some of those very good beat authors, but there is also enough intensity to make it very much your own. I also think poetry like this does need to be critiqued, not in huge chunks. The only mention that I do have is maybe you might consider getting rid of a few of those "and" words throughout, especially in the last two stanza's. They get a little much there.
Very strong writing. If you don't
sweep this contest, I will be amazed.
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and
Thanks apples! Nice to get your encouragaing words. I'll have a look at this again and try to improve it.
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Call me James. I'm glad you found my comment helpful.
Your strength has always been in your observations. I try to stop into your poem wall when I can. And I am very glad I did for this poem.
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observations
Thanks James - i think (hope) that my writing has improved since I've started to write haiku. I try to put evocative images into my longer poems. I appreciate poets like you who give me suggestions to improve my work.
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And I very much appreciate that you take advice. It is nice to see someone willing to learn and improve. The fruit of a true writer if you ask me. I think your free form stuff is really blossoming, especially considering that you write haiku. It is nice to see that you are multi-talented.
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