1
december 16th, 1978
blizzard
mornin' George
on the way
to work
what a mighty fine
wife you have.
picking at the
scabs on the
couch don't
make it no better.
not with this
weather no how.
2
three months earlier
how about we go
for a ride and
hide out in the
corner where the
sun doesn't hit
the ground just
right- outta sight
from the rest of
them backyard good-for-nothin
Jesus freaks.
I'll meet you there.
blow on the skin
of the skipping
rocks, spin 'em
something awful.
don't choke.
pull that smoke
slowly around
your ankles
and let it all
show. he won't
know nothing.
3
present day
whenever the
hell that is.
the grass growing
high over the
mountainside of
your body.
don't let 'em
touch you
little lady
on the shady august
day;
that's the third
bale of hay gone
missin'.
4
1979 approximately
hot
been kissing
your cake and
fucking it too.
spoonfuls of-
A contest entry
- man it's a hot one by Cat.
1500 points, ended July 20, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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pull that smoke
slowly around
your ankles
and let it all
show. he won't
know nothing.
This was delightful...full of yummy adult imagery that just begged to be dunked in something hot and sweet. lol It also reminded me a little of tori's 'frog on my toe', had that same sultry sounds, yet the strength of thousand fluttery whispers.
Glad I stopped in for a loaf.
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wow, there is some delightful stuff in here, love the colloquial tone to this...
really nice entry, i like this a lot
al -
cheese smut?
nah!
This is just cute from start to finish
with some really good
imaginative imagery thrown in for good measure-
i like the way it bounces around the
calender
and doesn't take itself too seriously
from year to year- it's too hot for serious messages
and this piece
knows that hot weather
makes one sweat-
it delivers.
Thanks so much for the entry here- this is going to be a very difficult contest to judge
m
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oh boy!!! i loved it... i like that it tells a story but also leaves it open for my imagination to get in there and get going... keep sharing your work ... it rocks my socks...
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hahahhaa "cake"... you are so random. i love this.
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What? I like cake!
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me too
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this is one of your best pieces.
i love it.
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You think so? Thanks. I'm glad it didn't turn out as cheesy as I thought it did.
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Well, if this is cheese smut, what kind of cheese.
Seriously though the whole thing is good. I actually found nothing critical to mention and the reason being because the format and the common words actually add power to the piece. I mean sure you could edit some of those filler words out of the 2nd one, at the beginning, but I think it all sort of creates a tapestry and that could be undone by editing something. It could change the voice and you don't want that. Sometimes jagged angles add to a piece. The ending does bother me...But I see what you were doing with the spoonful part, still...I wish it had a powerful finish as it builds up and then, leaves you hanging. I like the use of blizzard at the beginning and the hot at the end, that comparison is marvelous.
Your poem speaks. Which your stuff usually does.
;
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lol. I was really struggling with the end actually. I was going to leave it without the 'spoonfulls of-' but I felt the meter would be off. I try to keep some kind of rhythm despite that it's freeverse. I might go back and change it.
Thanks. -
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If you decide on something else please do tell me. Unless you just cut it or whatever. I'm always interested in how poetry evolves and becomes. You're welcome. It's ok to have an idea in mind when you are writing, even if freeform doesn't usually call for it.
;
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it wasn't until I read this again that I realized that yes, this was 'cheese smut'.
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