still, by the glass
a servant in uniform colours
trembles in thin separation,
fades like a statue
into the afternoon
a curtain
held back at the edge
brightens the line between
autumn and hollow,
trimming the tracings
caught in the cheeks –
the tracks of grief
so cruel for those that live on
the servant, a widow
watches the gardener gathering leaves,
plays with the vaguest of dreams:
toys of the heart
Author notes
Prompt: "Avec une legere intimite/ With a Gentle Passion" - Satie
In a list
A contest entry
- Gnossiennes by Keith.
600 points, ended July 28, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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This is so beautiful and your last line so softly placed it set me to tears. Truly a wonderful verse. Congratulations on your beautiful trophy. So well done. ~Pamela
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Very beautiful write.
Myra
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go on!
I didn't wish this to end Pastiche; the gardener has much to relect on
I love your poetry...
ps. I enjoyed Myron crique too
darmok
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This made me think of DIALOGUE AVEC MON JARDINIERE, a lovely French film (panned by many critics for being over sentimental). Your poem has similar notes of wistfulness. I love the misty quality, the almost-but-not-quite-visualness of the piece. Very good. Satie might have used toys of the heart as a title, je pense. Well done, and thanks for entering.
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I loved this comment ...
it is a poem in itself, and added to the atmosphere.
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Ah, gentillesse...
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This poem is a mixture of mainly concrete and several abstract images.
I like the concrete ones because they allow me to see what is happening in a clear and vivid way:
still, by the glass
a servant in uniform colours
fades like a statue
into the afternoon
and this well-observed couplet:
a curtain
held back at the edge
and this wonderfully sad section:
trimming the tracings
caught in the cheeks –
the tracks of grief
so cruel for those that live on
(couid that be: "those who live on" instead?)
and:
the servant, a widow
watches the gardener gathering leaves,
The abstract ones are either confusing:
trembles in thin separation,
brightens the line between
autumn and hollow,
or are a little cliched and generic:
toys of the heart
The first two work for me because i do not need to understand everything in a poem - i just need to get a vibe from it and these images do give me that - I feel loss, alienation and emptiness in them. the final image, because it is generic leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I know what you mean by it, but i feel it could be expressed in a better way, poetically.
This is a well-composed poem which resonates with emotion. I hope you don't mind the way I have tried to convey my perceptions and my one minor reservation.
all the very best,
myron.
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This is one of 'those' poems: one I am deeply unsatisfied with as a work but reasonably pleased that it came close, in places, to my goal.
It was written listening to Satie's piece: Gymnopedie No.1 I wanted to stay with the melody and the feel - hence the sparsity of words, the lack of flowery-ness. For example: "the line between
autumn and hollow" was intended to show the colours in the garden of the autumn afternoon against the darkness that had already arrived in the room (i.e. matching the woman). No matter how I tried I couldn't do it, and had to settle for darkness as a whole...
I am pretty sure that I could have bettered this piece as a poem but only at the cost of the idea.
You are quite right about "those who live on". Unfortunately, the person running the contest has already viewed the poem and I think it would be wrong to change it now - I will, however, after the contest has been judged.
Thanks for your really thoughtful - and very helpful - review. Your comments are always welcome: unlike "Awesome" they contribute to my learning - and that's why I come to this site. Here, for example, you have reminded me of one of my great failings: impatience. I really should walk away from the write, give it time to settle...
Best, p
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