this past, becomes elegy

vacant and small,

she finds no time for sad songs

in July

the fiction

facedown-

this close to the sun

each beautiful girl is a graveyard,

the past's little deaths mourned

in each

as pieces scattered

dust to dust

while the priests & midwives

say nothing

In a list

Silver Shiny Things • next in list

A contest entry

man it's a hot one by Cat. 1500 points, ended July 20, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Best Poem You Have Ever Written by Cherokee. 300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

Please tell me what you think (Critical Honesty Appreciated)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
the atlantic
August 17, 2008

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i have to agree with mary's comment, this hit the nail right on the head. the ending is just haunting. and i love how you described the character as vacant..i don't think i've ever seen that done before. lovely.
ArtFullyMe
July 27, 2008
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good luck
AJ Morelli
July 19, 2008
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i love this, nuf said...

al
Cat
July 18, 2008

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when you are on-
you are dead on

you pull the reader in-
you knock us over with the graveyard line - which is fucking great

then you do a double flip and land a two legged, no bobble landing off the
uneven bars
with priests and midwives say nothing

excellent-

my only quibble
in july looks out of place- maybe just spacing?..

it looks out of place but doesn't read out of place..

very good poetry- so glad to find this here

m
Rowan
July 11, 2008

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wow. This is good, and yeah the line;
"this close to the sun

each beautiful girl is a graveyard"
is soooo good.
And the ending... well
perfect. No nits at all. Loved it.
Suzanne Dia
July 11, 2008

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Fiction face down..

Makes me think of that book we just can't seem to find the time to pick up .. or perhaps the relationships that sit the same. Fiction being mentioned, just makes me think of how often we misunderstand those around us and go off our own way... before long, we realize what we miss, and that perhaps it really was fiction, no?

Love love love the graveyard stanza.

No sad songs, though.

You know where to go for your silly banter
aeolia
July 10, 2008
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oh, i love those last two lines.
ArtFullyMe
July 10, 2008

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those last two lines are a mouthful..

I love the way you went with this, the seeming contradiction in the first two lines, an image of emptiness against one that suggests something more positive

actually, in many places this seems to be dancing in the middle ( interesting considering the image )

this close to the sun
each beautiful girl is a graveyard,

that is so rich! ...lol consider it stolen somehow..

and those little deaths, though I don't know if each gets mourned .. it would seem so sometimes..

okay, ramble over.

good luck!