His joy followed pain,
his infinite magnitude,
divine moments of unity with the Father,
complete compassion in
his last breath
on the cross,
pittance of time, a moment, a lifeless sigh
for the future of soldier’s souls.
In the face of each dead hero, is the face of Jesus.
Drought in low waters of time,
famine for impoverished man’s last meal in starved lands,
lonely, loveless death for the sake of others
is painful emolument,
but worth an eternity with Christ.
Author notes
Photo: from my archive. These are soldiers now passed away.
The title is a translation of the prompt.
This poem is a dedication to the soldiers lost in the wars.
A contest entry
- A Pittance of Time by Mirthryl.
1000 points, ended July 24, 2008, 4 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
-
Thank you, Uniquely
I appreciate your comments. They are very posiitve and lift my confidence. -
this is really good love the title and the tale it tells is sad and you tell it well i liked the last line, and this was well worth a cup, im glad it got one
-
the prompt goes so well with elegiac sentiments. It is an honor to be in a contest with your writing.
-
Thank you, Maldronah
I am pleased it reminded you of that wonderful song. -
A beautifully crafted poem showing the
dedication and sacrifice of soldiers.
The pictures remind me of Eric Bogle's song,
'And the band played Waltzing Matilda'.
-
Like the creative use of space in this poem, and the picture you used as inspiration for this write. Wonder what the title means - is it the prompt in French?
-
-
Thank you, grannyeri
Yes, it is the prompt in French. I am glad you like it.
-
-
I will give you my best suggestions, if you will please remember that they are only one person's opinions. What I think may strengthen the write may alter it in a way it does not convey your thoughts, and as it is your work, it really ought to convey YOUR thoughts.
I got stuck on the first line. In Luke 22:44, "being in an agony, he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood." My limited comprehension is that his Atoning pain was not softened by joy "with" the suffering, but joy afterwards, having competely fulfilled his Father's will "He shall see of the travail of his soul, and shall be satisfied" Isaiah 53:11.
Therefore, I might tweek the introductory line, perhaps something like "His pain-born joy". Lovely description, "complete compassion in his last breath."
Also, I would reconsider the final line of the first stanza. I think the scope is narrow with "soldier's souls," but with the photo, that may be exactly what you were going for. Alternatively, what do you think of "sojourning soldier's souls?" Life is a sojourn, we all have battles. Then, "In the face of each dead hero is the face of Jesus" might more broadly apply to brave battlers on the home front as well.
The last stanza's first two lines bring to mind that the suffering of others is our business to seek to remedy as best we can.
Outstandingly penned "lonely, loveless death [no comma] for the sake of others is painful emolument, but worth an eternity with Christ."
Thank you for a thoughtful writing! I enjoyed it!
P.S. you might put the translation of the title in your author notes (luckily my husband was handy to translate!). I did have to look up "emolument" to learn it was one's wages or compensation, so that might also be helpfully defined in the author notes (especially as it is so relevant to understanding the conclusion of the poem!)
-
-
Thank you, Mirthryl
I have edited your suggestions. But, I do want the poem to be specifically for the soldiers...I see Jesus as a soldier too. I also noted this in my author's notes. -
-
Thank you for the additional insights. This put me in mind of several hymns: "Onward, Christian Soldiers" and "We are All Enlisted," and a real oldie, "Faith is the Victory."
-
-
-
"Drought in low waters of time" speaks to me in
metaphor: those times in life when we fall so
low, we can not even find something inside ourselves
that is worthy to rise again. This is where faith
comes in. You paint a very focused ideal of that.
Blue
-
-
Thank you, Rew
I am pleased my meaning came through because that is exactly what I meant.
-
-
A beautiful Christian Poem
So fitting, too and very well-phrased. You draw on Faith, Soldier ancestors, conviction and simplicity of love in Christ.
Also, you and I know that you use images so potent in Australia today [As Cardinal Pell did today] of our drought-stricken continent: "Drought in low waters of time,".
Ron.
-
-
Thank you, Lyndon
Once again you have hit the nail right on the head.
-
-
I don't see why I should have to do any deleting OR editing.
No hard feelings, I hope.
jjj -
-
Judy
No hard feelings from me. I appreciate comments very much.
-
-
Oh my goodness. I love this!
Your line breaks are very well done, emphasizing exactly where they should be. I see you have stepped out of the box my friend and with graceful steps to boot.
An emotional and heartfelt poem.
Well done. ~Pamela
-
-
Thank you, Pamela
Your comments are very uplifting and encouraging.
-
-
Wow Richard, this is really a nice piece and different to love and hate and all that. I enjoyed it. I hope you have missed me, my life is so full of crap at the moment I am not sure who I am most days.
Your Poetry Friend...........Ami
-
I'm a pacifist but some soldiers do believe they are fighting for a noble cause, and obviously Christ believed he was dying to absolve us of our sins. A noble cause.
Good luck in the contest.
Adding your comment:
1 - 21 of 21
