In our seats we aim our spotlights
Framing hues and glows and shines.
Our Lady descends the stairs
To her nighttime quarters
Beyond the world's end.
Beams paint the carpets navy blue
A floor lower are streaks of orange
And gold
Pale imitations of our Lady's burnished luster.
When we leave our seats for a breather
I prick holes in the thick black rug
Hoping to catch a glimpse of my child
Down on the earth.
I do this every night
Making sure to watch for deputies.
Before I can catch a glimpse of
My assigned little infant
The break is over
And we rush to the lights
Twisting knobs and changing hues
Cheering our Lady until she is gone
A far-off gleam.
Stooping over my pinprick spyhole,
Sweeping over the earth as it turns
I say goodnight to my child.
A contest entry
- WHAT DO YOU SEE? [2] by skylark anointed.
800 points, ended August 6, 2008, 22 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
If you are suggesting changes, please add how to change it.
Comments
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Great potential to be a children's book!
I really like your myth concept... there are quite a few lines that could use some editing, though:
1. In our seats, we aim our spotlights
- perhaps, you could substitute "Seated" for "In our seats"
2. Catching hues and glows and shines
-maybe substitute "Framing" for "Catching"
Lines 3 & 4 could be combined:
Our Lady descends
To her nighttime quarters
I don't want to micro-manage your whole poem, but if I went line by line, I'd probably tweak little things like this for flow and potency...
Keep this one, keep reading in the genre, and edit as you see fit - but this has great potential!
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This is wonderful. I've read it many times over; hopefully, I'll remember to come back to it. Very nice.
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I actually got the idea for this a while ago, but never wrote it till now. My friend kept sending me legends for things, so I made up an explanation for the sunset and sunrise. Glad you like it!
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