ohjoy!
i am
- mortal!
- desperate!
- in need of your touch!
- reaching out to the stars for a sign of--
if my heart's still beating or not.
hello pulse? [ERROR ERROR!]
i think i can't breathe and i'm having fun doing it.
(i am slipping on an ice rope called [consciousness].)
! whatever. tell it to someone who cares. !
dear happy tragedy,
[how does my ~heart keep beating~?]
\
{...this world is full of sin...}
yet i'm too sick to believe in heaven.
\
hey narcissism, glad to see you...
(crushed in the palm of my hand.)
(the rose petals flew away.)
i missed them so much that i began to cry.
so, spreading my wings, my soul is bare.
(and now i depart into the night air.)
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Humm..very experimenting flashes of the inside..and the experimenting poetry with the immages of the universal scenario of this life..well done...
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i like it. didn't quite get it at first. still don't...maybe that's coz i'm half asleep. but i really like the wording and stuff. it drew me in.
xoxo heva
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thats another really nice poem. sometimes its not very cohesive. but sometimes that just adds to the effect. as is in this poem. my favourite line is i can't breathe and i'm having fun doing it. its nice. sad. but still cool. nicely done.
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this is really good
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for being so young this is very frantic. This is like one of those poetry club poems that just kind of go everywhere. I think it's a great poem, but it looks like it needs to be toned down a bit so it's not so intimidating. Some of this poem is rather cliche while other parts are very beautiful. I like the pedals couplet, and the ice rope medaphore is beautiful. I really liked a lot of this poem. The death bits and the dear razor bit is kinda' extreme and I've read it so many times it's really not exciting or moving rather than just desperate
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yeahh. i got rid of the "dear blade" part. i didn't really like it much either.
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