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Beginning, Refitted


Now: Between the still air and the wheat field,
I stand. Darkness drops.

A young woman steps, and
one, two, she lifts alone toward
the wheat, lovely. Listen: the elder air
listens back. I do not dare breathe.
The slender moon leans –
its wings, feathers wholly gone.

Now, trying her own, she is up, now into the tree.
There, into the--
I toward.
Lean trees move by shadow;
they face the moon’s dark mine.

Author notes

this is called a diction cloud -- it uses only language from James Wright’s "Beginning," but I cheated because I left a few articles & conjunctions

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Comments


  • vieve gold member
    July 11, 2008
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    I read the original. James Wright has this gentle, softness to his observations (thinking of 'A Blessing' which everyone has to read in class at some point) & your poem has such a sharpness to it. It is like Wright in a minor key, not thrown into a blender and rearranged but sliced with scalpel precision and replotted. Very good.


  • Cat
    July 10, 2008
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    hi-

    so good to see you posting- wonderful imagery through out- the first stanza is the strongest for me- second is very strong also-
    third feels too much like a fill in the blank-

    the piece is interesting and well thought out.

    hope you are well

    m


  • apples fell
    July 10, 2008

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    Thank goodness. I was starting to think you had left the site or something. I noticed you hadn't logged in for awhile and then you have no idea how wonderful it was to see you pop up in my favorites. This is fresh. A diction cloud huh? I can't say I am familiar with the idea, but I can tell you that this is strong and certainly well written. You know I almost dare say you are one of the most original voices on this site, but I haven't read the entire site, so that would be a lie. What I can say is that you ARE brilliant when it comes to creating paradoxes in the atmosphere. Puncturing words with your pen, just enough to breathe air into otherwise worthless lungs. It is that powerfulness, that longing which keeps me coming back to read your words. I must admit that I have not seen you be so frank like in those first two lines in quite awhile. I have read you yes, but I can't say I am use to that too the point quality. Usually I get so wrapped up in your observations and it was very nice to see a line that bounces directly off my cranium.

    Thank you for this Ashley.

    ;