Sweet, eloquent love
Has lead to utter silence
A quantum of my heart, destroyed
I'm not vindictive, not in the least
But wished demolition upon her for once
As blood spilled from my chest
Eternally yearning for her touch
Her voice is a lullaby to my ears
I thought her 'love' for me was a fallacy
But it is a mysterious enigma
Her heart and mind can never render as one
As I remain confined by these shackles
In torment of my broken heart; confused
A controversial event; she cheated me
Unjustifiable from my vantage point
I said I would shun her forever
But I live with execration; need her to carry on
Her face, heart and body bewitch me every time
Dressed in the devil's couture; gorgeous
My sanity is questioned; crazy in love
I never want to erase her from my life
And will always convey my love for her
She might always reject me
But I will let her devour me whole
I will love her no matter what
Author notes
Option: WORD BANK
WOW I used all the words AND in the order given! I'm DAMN proud of myself here and I STILL managed to tell a story! This is the first time I've used a word bank option...
Pretty much I let out the darkside of the love I feel; how it can be interpretted as a curse, how she destroyed me, how I miss her, how we can never be...BUT it's not entirely how I feel with the hatred and stuff...I'm past that. But the whole hatred in this poem made it that much better, I feel. I said it ALL in this one every range of emotion I've felt in the last month. THANK YOU FOR THIS WORD BANK! Good luck to everyone in this contest!
A contest entry
- Take Your Pic :] Enter !! by innocence jaded.xx.
600 points, ended August 10, 2008, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What Is True Love by misticmoonlite.
700 points, ended July 19, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Release Me by sensualbutterfly.
300 points, ended July 28, 2008, 79 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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GREAT Poem. I could feel the darkness and love at the same time. Thank you for entering
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hey man
great poem...writing was good,, great words...makes it fit together real well. it's always good writing about love... even if it is pain full... keep strong, keep writing... 7.5/10
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you penned this well for the word usage, but to show how and what you feel about love, sad but yet well penned,thank you for this entry, good luck
Lin
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This, I think, is much more eloquent than other things I've read by you; I'm surprised this was a word bank poem, as you've woven your own words and what you were given seamlessly. Most word bank poems feel contrived, but not this one -- kudos!
Now it's criticism time, bwahahahahahaa:
"A quantum of my heart, destroyed" -- "quantum" is an awesome word, but that comma isn't all that necessary.
"Sweet, eloquent love
Has lead to utter silence" -- I'm not entirely sure which words are from the word bank, but this is adjective overload; you have three adjectives and eight words, and it's a bit purple and distracting.
"Eternally yearning for her touch" -- the almost-rhyming "eternally yearning" made me stumble.
"devil's couture" -- yet another awesome phrase.
Overall, it was good, but suffered most from telling instead of showing. Yes, you did use adjectives and clearly attempted to tell a personal story with heart and mind, but it wasn't as powerful as it could have been, given the topic. Imagery and metaphor go a long way in effectiveness; using a metaphor of, say, an unanchored boat for a straying lover is a lot more concrete (and thus easier to relate to) than an abstract concept like pain, which different people perceive in different ways. You've a great foundation, Hardeep.
-hiraeth -
wow...this is an INCREDIBLE poem!! really great work with the word bank...you used it well! the first stanza is bitter, shows your pain; blood spilling from your chest as you wish demolition upon her. ouch lol =P but then it changes to a battle between the heart and mind....confusion. you know exactly what you want, but she can't make up her mind...slash she has no choice in the matter. then you move on again with the "what the fuck is wrong with me" kinda poetry...the whole she cheated me and yet i love her nonetheless. then ending off with the self sacrifice...She might always reject me
But I will let her devour me whole...i hope thats not her intention lol...and then a nice one liner to sum it all up.
overall...extremely well written, i think the word bank helped make it more eloquent, but of course without a brain like yours it wouldnt flow like it does now. excellentttt work!! good luck in the contest =)
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wowwowowoow! this is like the poem I had in my head once I compose the wordbank this is amazing! You used every word and made it had sense... this story of love is dark indeed which is something we like.. thanks for entering this was great!
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Ohhh, wow
That was incredible ! I loved this. Hah, and you even used the words in order?! I must say you have talent. An obvious, beautiful talent, at that. You did an amazing job with the word bank. Not many could use every word and have it make sense. haha
"A controversial event; she cheated me
Unjustifiable from my vantage point
I said I would shun her forever
But I live with execration; I need her to live"
Definitely my favorite lines. I like how at first, you're attitude of this is "I'm done, I don't need her, she broke my heart" to "I'll love her no matter what. I need her to live." Love it Thanks for entering our contest & I wish the best of luck to you ! ♥
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