I tell you what
You soap me like rebel kids in a room of windows
and maybe the cloudy glass will darken
a little bit of that annoying sunshine you toss around
See
we can't all be bubbly and frumpy
especially those of us who are lucky enough to live in your shadow
Oh
it is a quaint little place
full of moss and wide-eyed little critters
But I have to be honest
when I say that we are all tired of the sunrise getting earlier
every day
without fail
brighter each time
Tone it down just a bit more
If you are unable
we can give you a hand
Just put down the soap
Author notes
This just came out of my head, fresh like warm toast. Hope someone finds it worthy or reading.
A contest entry
- quickie by Melissa Gayle.
400 points, ended July 9, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I didn't particularly care for your opening line, especially when reading the second line - I feel you should have started there, much stronger.
The 'see' standing alone doesn't work for me as well, there doesn't seem to be a need to emphasize that specific word. (And this goes ditto for the 'oh')
I think you have an amazing amount of potential here and some really striking lines. You can tell it was just written, with some tweaking and editting it could be a truly stellar piece.
Props for creativity
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