dawn's dress is stitched with
silver...
it hangs limply on the frame of regrets
and a very skinny girl.
she wakes and rubs the dream crust...
scatters it among the floorboards,
clicking her tongue like
mother hen will come squawking
to gobble the nightmares from her eyes.
a sigh,
dawn hovers in the doorway
letting the cold bay air trickle in.
tasting salt on tea, a drowsy hand
locks the house
leaving the young lady to mourn
outside.
silver stitching is tinfoil
as dawn hangs heavily
on age's eyelids.
~~~
Author notes
a story about growing up.
did this even make sense?
A contest entry
- Have you ever... by Age of Rain.
1300 points, ended July 31, 2008, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Some of the metaphors were definitely abstract, but I have to say, I really liked this. Especially your ending. Only one thing tripped me up a bit, and that was 'and a very skinny girl' I had to go back and read the previous lines again to get the proper flow. Very good write!
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Some of the metaphors were definitely abstract, but I have to say, I really liked this. Especially your ending. Only one thing tripped me up a bit, and that was 'and a very skinny girl' I had to go back and read the previous lines again to get the proper flow. Very good write!
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a friend of mine, apples fell, once told me that a poem that holds the readers hand the whole way through is a failed poem. i couldn't agree more. it's okay if it doesn't make sense.
at first i didn't see the need for the emphasis of silver - but when you mentioned the tinfoil in the final stanza that is when it showed that you were emphasizing the color to give a [subtle] hint to the reader that there is a connection with the meaning and imagery.
"she wakes and rubs the dream crust..."
i love how you showed the image of wiping the crust from eyelids in the morning...very cool; particularly the "dream crust".
the only thing that stood out to me is that you repeated dawn a lot, but knowing you and how you write, you were well aware of that and it was intentional; so hey, it works, even though it stood out.
anyway,
i thought this was consistent with its profound level. all around a great poem.
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I just recently found apple fell's poetry, and believe me, he's left me stunned.
and yes, the only thing I don't mind repeating in a poem is a name. Which is kind of what I was going for with 'dawn', but I also wanted it to symbolize the morning, whatever.
I ramble.
But thank you for all your comments.
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who cares if it makes sense? Poetry doesn't have to make sense. If I had to choose my favorite line, I would say the 1st...it's beautiful. Repetition is a poetic device and I think you used it well. It strengthens the metaphor.
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Your imagery here is serene. There is something calming and quiet about the early morning and maturing women, that you captured nicely. You have come a long way.
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Saw this yesterday and improves with every reading. I really love it.
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I got the whole think about dawn being both the metaphor and the girl. I really loved it, the interplay was wonderful. Very early morning is so beautiful.
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I do like your style and hope you write many like this, though I did see a fair few mentions of 'dawn'. I know this is the topic, but I have a pet peeve about repeating something more than two times (except words like the, in and the like or if the piece is exceedingly long).
I welcome you to enter another piece, as I do adore your beautiful imagery. -
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It's okay. The mentions of dawn were supposed to be the girl's name, but I understand where you're coming from. I have that pet peeve, too.
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Hate to be picky, but if Dawn's a person, shouldn't she be capitalized? Oh no, I'm doing it again!
and you're a better poet than me! Eeek!
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buttttttt, dawn's not only a person, but a metaphor for the morning, too. And, I just don't like capitalization (other than 'I') in poetry. Capitalization is one of my pet peeves if it's not used right.
And I'm not a better poet than you.
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Hmmm, what to do when it's a metaphor. I would've personally used capitals, as it's a name and if anyone said, 'why is Dawn capitalised' I would've said she's a girl, but if you think about it nobody woudl knwo that dawn without a capital refers to a girl, see what I mean?
Yeah I don't like capitals much either. I capitalize the begining of a stanza and all the 'I' but that's it really if I can help it, unless it's really important, like a name of a very important person.
Oooh I'm babbling again.
Oh and FYI you are a better poet than me, stop being modest
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To capitalize or lowercase, that is the question.
And who says I'm just being modest?
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Hmmmm, ask an outsider for opinion?
Because I say you're being modest and I am the judge lol. -
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grumbledesnuff.
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Yeah, it does. I love it. Imagery and metaphors and everything a good poem should have Great job Cassie!
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it's a beauitufl poem, no, I would not say I knew it was exactly about 'growing up', but I felt a sense of something like it for sure in the poem, and that is more important enjoyed this a lot...wonderful imagery, Cassie..
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It does make sense, it kinda warps the idea of aging and turns it into reality. It's very well writen.
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