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All-In

I look to my right.
He looks up from his cards.
Our eyes meet.
We have the same goal.
We want to win the hand.

I hold pocket queens.
The community cards show:
Queen, King, Ten. Deuce. Four.
Promising, indeed.

"All-in," he states.
So innocently.
But I can tell,
behind his sun glasses.
Behind his misguided lies.
He's trying to bluff me.

I'm confident.
It's so obvious.
I can read him like a book.
It's always been my strength.
I call his bluff,
Without a second thought.

He lays down pocket kings,
And smirks gratuitously,
As he collects my pot.
The crowd cheers him on.

My palms sweat - as a man in the desert sun.
My pulse races - faster than a bullet in fast motion.
My eyes dart  - desperate to avoid anyone's uncanny gaze.
My heart sinks - to the depths of the Titanic.

I think I'll go home.
And try again tomorrow.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • movedon
    July 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow

    So much like a story no? I really liked it though. Parts that I liked or found weird:



    Lines 4-5. The word "we" makes it seems too wordy. Only because I think you would take out the second WE and make it "wanting the same hand" Not a huge point, but just something that kind of caught me up when I was reading it.
    Line 10- Promising indeed. I like that you added this in. I'm asusming your playing poker (i have no clue how to play nor have i ever played) and this gave me a clue as to what the heck was going on (good or bad as far as cards go)
    Lines 15-16: I like how you know whats going on behind his sunglasses. "behind his misguided lies" if they are this lies, then why would they be misguided? Are they misguided in your eyes or is that how they were given, even if he doesnt know it? Sheer brilliance! I really loved that part.
    Line 25: I like that even you lost, you still call it "your" pot. Strong and an interesting way to put it. This adds extra emphasis on the fact that you were so confident on winning and even though you lose, it made me laugh.
    Last two lines: This is a lovely ending to the poem. Try, try again

    Ok, I think this is longest enough to out beat pieplate on the length of a comment. This is really good and I'm very glad that you shared it!

    Warmest,
    Mylee


  • pieplate
    July 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh yeah, I like that. Can you hear how it builds up? A few suggestions: I would arrange those in ascending order of awfulness, your call.

    A few other things. Line 31: I feel that it is stronger to state an action rather than an action's negation. That is, instead of "not wishing to catch", perhaps "fearing to catch", "desperate to avoid". Line 2: perhaps "he looks back at me"; as it reads now, after the structure of line 1, it's as though a pirate is saying "He looks at me back" (presumably leaning way back in his chair to do so). Line 4: "both" is redundant if you also use "same"; drop "same" and you can keep the parallel structure. Line 7: "follows" loses some tightness; do you really want it? Most of the rest: I like your sense of line breaks, but I think you need to use punctuation besides the period. In some places, such as lines 20-23, it's even ambiguous who is doing what. Not that the reader can't figure this out, but it makes the reader stop to work it out, instead of proceeding with your poem.

    Whew!


    • retribusive
      July 11, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      This is amazing feedback. I'm glad to have met you on here.

      I'll go through it again when I get home.. I'm at a hockey tournament. My mind isn't the most clear it could be.

      Thanks VERY much for your time! Means a lot to me!


  • drakostheron
    July 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ha nice although the ending was a little predictable its very nicely written and sadly true about most gamblers


  • pieplate
    July 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yes, in that direction. Verb tense has to be "sank" or "sinks". I would still put a couple more in there. And thank you too: I appreciate it that what I wrote was welcome to you.

  • pieplate
    July 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yummmm...chocolate poker chips....


  • pieplate
    July 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nicely understated. I think I'd amplify line 23: if you want to use a familiar expression, I'd really lean on it, so that trying again tomorrow brought more of a twist.


    • pieplate
      July 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Sure. You write, "My dreams are shattered." It's an expression that we've all encountered before. If you want to use it because it is a cliche, you might add some more to pile it on: my submarine torpedoed, my hopes dashed, my future dimmed--I'm sure you can find more--and *then* come back tomorrow.


    • retribusive
      July 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Hey

      Thanks for the comment! It means quite a bit to me.

      Do you mind clarifying your feedback, though? I'm not quite sure what you mean.

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