you stand on the sand
like a seagull
i look up from my book
like a shell
you walk and talk
and both of us smile
your bite is as white
as the tops of waves
the tide takes us for a ride
and we move with it
A contest entry
- Tide Bird by Pamela A Lamppa.
525 points, ended July 11, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Very nice rhymed poem!
I like the subtlety of this couplet based rhyming poem! It's a pretty write and uses a metaphor that I love -- the sea, sea shore, the waves and the seagulls! Excellent job and a very sweet set of emotions! This is like a short romantic poem found washed up one shore -- it's a great read!
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Interesting comparisons here that bring the sea and the couple together.
Thank you for your entry and best of luck in the judging. ~Pamela
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58 words. Oh my and this is so pretty - if you can hone down at least 8 words.... I will be back.
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Ehh...
Before I start, please don't take this offensively. You're a great poet.
I'm going to be outright honest with you here, this isn't my favorite.
I just can't see what you're getting at. I've read the thing five or so times with the same result.. it just doesn't work for me.
The second couplet is a bit strange.. the simile makes little sense to me. Comparing a reader to a shell?
Also, it just seems as if you're forcing it out, instead of feeling it and letting it come to you. I hope this makes sense.
I do like the simplicity though, and the last couplet is well written.
I know this doesn't help much, but if you have questions about my position, please feel free to ask.
Happy writing :]! -
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hot working
yes i agree with you completely - it's not working well at all. i'll see if i can work on it and try to resusitate it, lol.
The poem doesn't make much sense to me either & in places where it does, it's a bit trite! oh well, back to the keyboard...
thank you so much for your honesty; muchly appreciated.
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Fun on the beach! Very good. You take us for a ride too poet!
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