Pressed hard against this blade of want
old scars remember….
the feel its’ glistening edge possessed
so finely honed on straps of naked flesh
it left its’ mark in wrinkled sheets and sweat
Perjuries can’t hide the truth
nor scented candles burning…
the smell of sweet success held tight
and time waxes useless
turned dust to simply rot
Dreams slide slowly beneath this bridge of sighs
bare bones can’t swim….
to drown on barren distant shores
bleached white by an unforgiving sun
When lovers cry
they say Jove laughs….
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I'm with DP here, I don't think you need that last line at all. It ends and ties up perfectly with 'when lovers cry' It flows magically and I hope there wasn't a suicide note with it, for this person truly feels.
Love, Chez
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Well a couple of things - was this attached to a suicide note as it rolled like a tumbleweed down the street, hit your foot and you picked it up...Fuck this could be a keeper! This is great to read, never mind who wrote it. Doesn't poverty and heartache work a trick! This isreally well written.
Couple ofthings (you don't get off completely free)
They say Jove laughs - I personally would piss that off
and a very minor thing - I would say - in the context - time "wanes" useless
apart from that kudos to you - great write
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darkly beautiful....i loved it
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WOW!
Such a powerful and emotional peice you have here.
I am at a loss for words.
Great job.
-Mandi -
WOW....speechless
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A very deep and rather dark piece, Leo... and compelling, drawing the reader into the pain. The feelings held within these lines carry much sadness, sadness felt in each word.
A superb write
Dee
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The last line thre me. Is "Jove" a typo? Should it be
Love"? There is pain and passion in this free verse. Good for you to try your hand at this form. Yes, this is a dark work with excellent metaphors. I do however tend to agree with Cannosfire. The poem written in the first person, the impact would be deeper felt by the reader. You keep trying, you have the skill, and the flare for sure.
All My LOVE ♥
Renee
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A really dark piece!!! Way to go!! I love the cold as steel tone this has. It gives one the chills. It's like remembering a moment that was so terribly painful you've developed ice in your veins so as not to feel the pain of the moment. Very matter of fact. It's this tone that to me enhances. One can feel cold dark eyes as they read. Cool Leo!!! fantastic!
Michelle
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Wow! Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....... Just Wow! This is very good! Well written, the words just kinda flow as I read!
~DAWN~ -
Leo, your writing is changing. This is very deep. I had to think to understand it. You wicked person making me think.... lol.
Well done.
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Excellent
A very nice write indeed, just as it is. With very good imagery. Thanks for sharing this one with us. Again, well done. -
Nicely done
very nicely done. metaphors are good. Pen on dear poet...
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its dark, but i cant really feel the vibe...
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YER IS WRONG
BARE BONES ARE MORE APT TO BUOYANCY, AND THEY SWIM!LOL
BLESS,
PROF. MES -
It is rich in metaphor but lacks the passion..whether it is aching or happy, if you write it in the first person it will give it more depth and more emotion. Lost and bitter love always touches more if it is written as if you yourself are experiencing it. i.e
'my dreams, slide to depths beneath my sighs
the barest of bones; my bones
they cannot swim,
I wish to drown on barren, distant shores
for as a lover, I cry...
you get the drift
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I'm still learning... thanks
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