the cabbie grunted
“you’re on the wrong side of the road”
i told him to give me head for his advice
and slammed the car door
as sweat cat scratched around my eyes
my back had been broken since hong kong
on a subway smelling of man socks and mildew
and lunch had been some gum bought from a
woman who looked like an armpit
at a corner 7-11
i hadn’t had meat in a month
or a decent cigarette
but that was fine because you couldn’t smoke
anywhere in mao’s disneyland
but fish balls and chicken feet were ok
“where to?”
your momma’s
i almost said but switched poetic
like birds when they swing like sunshine
their eyes stabbing as stars
on the veins of a throbbing city
“home” and shoved a piece of wrinkled paper
written in someone else’s hand
an address that could’ve said hell or holland
it didn’t matter if it didn’t take me next to you
“coulda been there faster if you were on the right side”
he muttered
ticking off like the meter
but i had a fifty in my pocket
it would be enough of a whore to eat his bitching
and i turned to look out the window
at the outside damp with people
at their heavy walk towards
places smelling like good meat
and smokes textured like crotches
never liked the word ‘nigger’
but somehow it fit the sky
Author notes
eh. ed does this shit better.
A contest entry
- In the style of my favourites by Barbie.
1560 points, ended August 12, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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You changed it - love it. Although not sure the last two lines need be so explicit. Much much better now - reminds me of Ed's poem 'Trapped'.
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I'm obsessed with that quote
you know the one about leaving foot prints in the sands of time and who would want to leave butt prints there
I have a different perspective
since time fucks up all of us in the ass
why run and leave footprints
it still going to find you following them
better leave a clear butt print
it would to fuck it instead
and only then you'll find the space to fly
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I was wondering if it was Ed or Horus for quite a while - I think this could be really good with some tweaking & a little more beauty & sensuality.
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Ok so I am going to give you two areas of advice that I think were awkward, you can assume the rest I fell in love with. Here they are:
"i hadn’t had meat in a month"
- Hadn't and had seem odd together. I would change that for the sounds sake and because it reads awkwardly, especially with the format and the intense imagery you have chosen. A lot of your poem does seem to get ranty every now and then, but I think that disconnection at intervals helps distill the poem. Other times, I don't think it works as well. Example: The stanza right before the last. A good edit there could take away some of that rambling quality. This is strange: "as sweat cat scratched around my eyes"
- Huh? Just odd. That's it. The rest of your poem is good, though I think there is certainly area for improvement with the form as well as some of the imagery. This is certainly beat though, which is refreshing.
;
There I feel better I said something besides stupid suck suck shit with absolutely no soul in my comment.
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Cat scratched
You know - most people would just say "sweat scratched" and be done with it; but you always take it that little bit further - and that's what makes you an amazing writer as opposed to just a good one
Totally loved "it would be enough of a whore to eat his bitching"
It's good to have you back!
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Not up for anything much to say.
I like this girl. Glad to be home from vacation
and reading you again.
;
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