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Inside a tremble (revised)

I found you

scattered across

the many pages

of my writing

 

very unfinished

like an unmade bed

of imperfections

thin as tissue paper

leaving ghostly trails

 

flecks of meaning

folded into rhythm

emotions of

color that flow

highlighting the area

behind eye sockets

 

the flutter

of a dream

screams into pillows

as the wind

changes directions

 

a taste of words

weightless on tongue

hidden deep

in pale shades of morning

lost between black and white

of reconstructed truth

 

leaving me at odds with myself…

 

dark stars

hold a cluster

of meaning

 

linger in the sky

before falling

into a rush

of thoughts

a certain sign of grief

...unnoticed

 

 

 

~*****~

 

lonely

            silent

broken

 

can’t be fixed…

 

 

~*****~

 

 

 

crawling skin

and passing hours

color fades

one thousand secrets are buried

 

leaving small voices to tremble

 

 

 

 

7/8/08 

Author notes

Prompt: "Your epitaph is already half written, decide how it ends" Take this quote and expound on it any way you see fit.

A contest entry

The heart pours words when sliced deep...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 12 of 12
  • this is very beautifully penned, you create wonderful imagery and a distinct sense of loss throughout this. I tripped over the third stanza, in particular, the transition between the second and third lines of that stanza. It might just be how I'm reading it, but I can't piece the two lines together. Otherwise a terrific write.
    Rory

    • actually, I think that stanza is fine, after another read, I think it just needs a pause after rhythm...I see you've forgone punctuation and I think that's what has tripped me up. Again, a very good write.
      Rory

  • apples fell gold member
    July 10

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for sending me an IM back here. I just looked at it again and your edits are very slight, which is good to see. The whole expression is so much stronger. You got rid of the injected numb line completely and I think that makes it read better. I no longer stop and say "what"? Don't see anything else that bothers me. Nice job making some edits.

    ;

  • apples fell gold member
    July 10
    Edit | Reply

    You are a wordsmith. I must tell you that some of this did strike me as awkward, but I think that was intentional...So it wouldn't really make sense for me to point out those areas here. Your last stanza is perfect. This line I think is strange, even with the intensity in mind: "injected into numb"...I want to find another word after numb for some reason? It feels broken off. I'm glad you found my work again as it gave me the chance to stop by and read this piece. You have some really introspective poetry here. My favorite stanza's would be the second and the last.

    ;


    • zochit2me gold member
      July 10

      Edit | Reply
      Yes I have been reading and reading that and trying to reword but nothing is coming to me...a couple of other places are bugging me as well and will continue to work on it.
      I am glad I came across you as well...I did read your other page under your other name and did not know it was you.
      Thanks for the read and comment.

      introspect is my specialty at the moment.

      ☼Becky☼

      • apples fell gold member
        July 10
        Edit | Reply

        Well you tell me when you do decide something. I am always up for coming back and reading again. I don't mind when I love the poetry. Yes, I think it's funny that somewhere along the way I lost you and then you popped back up...Fate is silly like that.

        Just don't stress is and it will come to you. That's how I edit at least.

        ;
  • I absolutely love the title ...it would be a good contest theme, 'inside a tremble'...would love to host that with you.

    "dark stars break rules

    linger in the sky before falling

    a certain sign of grief

    …unnoticed"






    • zochit2me gold member
      July 9
      Edit | Reply
      Well let's do it girlfriend...

      IM me when you are ready and we will bust a move


  • I sometimes go through archives of my poetry and reread those written for someone I once considered the only one.

    To read them now, I find sadness and insecurity. It was not as happy a place as I painted it in my head when it happened.

    This poem reminds me of that, finding love in yellowed pages in the darker corners of your library ...

    You are far from broken if you still express yourself like this.






    • zochit2me gold member
      July 9
      Edit | Reply


      Yes I am far far far from broken...
      Thank you for noticing that


  • Faithbound gold member
    July 9

    Edit | Reply
    I feel the crawling skin. Started to write a poem earlier about skin and wanting to crawl in it.

1 - 12 of 12