love
your cannonball
made my brain
a window
hasty architect
ripped me
open like
pandora’s box
i wanted you
to sauté me
like an onion
listen to
my stories
crackle close
to your ear
impatient dinner
guest couldn’t
wait for oily baths
to make me
transparent
ordered my
soul to go
like fast food
Author notes
chaotic peace
A contest entry
- Top Secret - Mission 1 by Tangled Angle.
300 points, ended July 25, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
all feedback appreciated
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
I really enjoyed this. Really. Though I feel it deserves punctuation, but if it's not your style I understand.
Even just punctuate the first stanza? As in
"Love,"
I just think it's necessary there.
But overall, very nice imagery, very original. -
-
thanks for the comment! yep, punctuation isn't usually part of my style hehe.. i also feel the line break after "love" gives a natural pause already to make a comma unnecessary. thank you very much for taking the time to comment and give some critical advice, i appreciate it a lot!
-
-
I didn't like the use of fast food and love together, it just doesn't seem right. The last stanza didn't seem to really make an impact, and i found myself skimming through towards the middle. I would suggest you create some rhythm to the poem, because i found it kind of boring.
-
You had some interesting images here. I enjoyed the one line 'love' that punched the word with more strength than it usually possesses in poetry. 'cannonball' was not my favorite choice of words, but definitely different.
'hasty architect
ripped me
open like
Pandora's box'
My favorite image. The flow was a bit choppy in places, do to the staccato like lines, but this was a very good poem. Well done!
-
-
thanks very much for the comment buddy! i'm glad to see a honest review .
-
-
You are most welcome.
-
-
-
this was very clever.
-
I think you so should have been two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun. Or at least a guest star on Sesame Street. Same thing!
A very nice write. Creative. Unique.
-
Wow! What a powerful poem. The imagery is original; even something that could be trite comes to life with your unique wording such as...
hasty architect
ripped me
open like
pandora’s box
I like it all. Best of luck in the contest. -
this was...interesting. i might not be able to eat at a fast food place for a while, in fear i might be eating someone's soul. (which can be quite a dish with a dash of pepper and some garlic ) but i do like this. it has such a contemporary grip to it, and i do like that.
-
very clever!
-
You know, the title had me like, LOL!! when I first saw it. Not that it doesn't relate everything together nicely, 'cause it does, but I guess it's just unusual (and you know I like that. It ties the window and the food and the drive-thru very well. I still feel the same as I told you about the first line, but other than that I find this very creative. I really think it's amazing how you can have your own voice but still make each poem a surprise. The cannonball motif is very impactful and really different from the rest of the poem, but it brings a very expressive image... that first stanza makes me think of someone changing you forever (yeah I know what you think about that, but I just can't find a better way to word it right now). The window really has some great symbolism of sincerity (transparency) and being the link between two people, two worlds, becoming one, or so it makes me think, and I find it very interesting how this pure symbol becomes a drive-thru window, associated with junk food, carelessness, lack of health, negativity. In my eyes that also goes well with the contrast between being peeled like an onion, layer by layer, as the wish is expressed, and then the impatience... Oh, and did I mention I love the Pandora's box bit, that's a favorite motif of mine, and the way you used it, it really means a lot. this is a very clever poem, but again, I expect that from you.
Um... seriously, how can you stand me anymore?
Good luck in the contest
-
Last stanza is brilliant. Not that the rest isn't as well, but I wish I had thought of that, you know?
I like your voice. You write in a language that speaks directly to my heart, without fancy flourishes or glitter.
-
Oh, this is really, really good! Intense (your signature mood) and says so much in a few well chosen words. The first stanza is ultra imagery, but I didn't quite understand until I got further along. Saut'e onions....I adore it! Than was the problem you were wrestling with wasn't it! You worked it out beautifully, forcefully and it's soooooo original. I AM impressed!
-
Well, you already know what I think through IM.
I'm still not sure I like that first stanza. It seems awkward in general. But yes that ending shines now, like a silver dollar. Your writing is always strong and this snippet format, though I am still on the fence about, I really could start to like. You could easily make a whole poem out of the second stanza alone. Which I think you should do.
Lovely love.
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
