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These Walls Scream Rescue

 

the cry

 

 

Brick and mortar fortress
of elevated stress patterns
Raise your voice, like the others do
Strike with clenched fist,
that was the example set for you

Caged in, like Congo
Wanting more than this
Beyond the confinement of this man-made love
that's stricken with an illness everyone's
heard of

 

 

 

Cry
 

 

 

Don't let them hear you scream.
After all, the walls will do the talking
And from what I can hear, these walls
scream rescue
They cry out for help
Will you reach out for someone
before you die yourself?

 

Author notes

Pic Credit: http://darknihilism.deviantart.com/art/Cry-29498842

http://rrekz.deviantart.com/art/The-cry-68579058

Background Credit: http://fc06.deviantart.com/fs16/f/2007/132/d/b/BW_Striped_Background_Texture_by_Enchantedgal_Stock.jpg

Option - 1.)Write whatever comes to mind after seeing the picture above. Use it for inspiration. It can go many ways. It's your interpretation.

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 21 of 21

  • Sortingthroughlife
    January 16
    Edit | Reply
    Amazing job with the pictures. Makes it seem so real, so, just Wow.


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    August 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This definitely has it's good moments, though I really don't fell like I could relate to it. Either way, I'm glad you didn't completely flop.

    Thanks for entering.


    • lowercase prelude gold member
      August 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for your comments.

      Is there anything I can improve on this one or was it just that it wasn't something that you could relate to?

      • Immortal Obscurity gold member
        August 1, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        I guess it was the whole abuse-theme. The things that hurt me in life were mental, rather than physical, so I suppose I can relate better to things like depression and self-hatred.

        Also, it's 2 AM here, and I'm exhausted... Perhaps I'll have another look tomorrow!

        • lowercase prelude gold member
          August 1, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Okay, I understand. I'll make a note of that. Next time I want to enter one of your contests that has a similar theme, I'll not what to submit.

          Sleep well and I'll shall hear from you tomorrow.

          • Immortal Obscurity gold member
            August 1, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            Well, you learn from experience, right? Plus, comments are but the reader's opinion... One person might love it, one might hate it, but it's up to you.

            I'll get back to you tomorrow


  • movedon
    July 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I feel like you created two different poems here...at the start of the second picture, I felt like they were different, but I really liked it. The way you ended it in a question was very clever.

    Warmest,
    Mylee

  • davidbetzer
    July 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Brick and mortar fortress
    of elevated stress patterns
    Raise your voice, like the others do
    Strike with clenched fist,
    that was the example set for you"

    the first two lines lack coherence, and are devoid of poetic charm in any sense. the three words "elevated stress patterns' make me think that you are just horrible, and they shouldn't be in any poem ever.
    The rhyme in lines 2 and 5 is childish, and recognizes the fact itself, by alluding to how the subject was raised.

    "Caged in, like Congo
    Wanting more than this
    Beyond the confinement of this man-made love
    that's stricken with an illness everyone's
    heard of"

    First line, good comparison, but it seems like it could be executed better.
    The next line is common, thats the only way I can describe it.
    the next three lines are no better, its like you are using the law of least energy to capture your meaning.

    Putting the pictures in isn't ever a good idea, and the fact that their image is pointedly emotional, in contrast to the weakness of the emotional content in the poetry, distracts from, and devalues your words.

    "Don't let them hear you scream.
    After all, the walls will do the talking
    And from what I can hear, these walls
    scream rescue
    They cry out for help
    Will you reach out for someone
    before you die yourself?"

    a rudimentary attempt all in all--if you truly want my opinion. I didn't gain anything from this piece. I didn't feel anything. The voice is indistinct, it is difficult to differentiate from a virtual sea of such poetry. The use of language was unprofessional, and its obviously not been edited, or written with much forethought. it takes me eight to ten hours to write a poem, and mine are still rather dull--in spite of my obvious genius. Working with a smaller toolbox means you either need to work longer, or spend a few weeks searching frantically for your voice. If this is your voice, I'm sorry to say, it is only marginally differentiated from the proles. My recommendation for you at this point would be to read two books for every one poem you write. Moving from the more mediocre common paperback trash to classics with deep psychological insight, philosophical works, and science. A writer, if he wants to be truly great, must have a firm knowledge of the universal on every level, from the atom, to adam. From the quanta to the cosmos. Only then can you truly master verse.


  • davidbetzer
    July 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    In taking your own advise, you should reach out for a creative writing class.


  • echo-ink
    July 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This was indeed, Awesome, and bone chilling, such sick people

    in the world that prey on the young, This was a wonderful way to speak out for the children. good luck in the contest.


  • IrishGypsyRose silver member
    July 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is an absolutley wonderful piece. I can't even find words to describe how this piece made me feel. Very nicely done. It was intense with the visuals you provided. Great read. ~mandie~


  • Poetic Obscenity
    July 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow. This is an absolutley wonderful piece and i feel it's a great depiction of the picture.
    Lovely job.
    Thank you and good luck.


  • 2lullabyhaven
    July 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I was just watching last night about the ten hours and less it takes to buy a child to then do whatever you wanted to do to the child; and well your poem adds to the disgust in my mind and also adds motivation to me as well, because I want to do something, whatever I can to right it for the children's sake lol so much suffering in our world-thanks for addressing it with your poetry touching many hearts to maybe start a chain reaction to bring about some changes lol also good luck in the contest


  • Lord Bob
    July 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Omg. This is an amazing poem. I can't even find words and shit to describe it. It's great. Thanks for entering.


  • ShaShay
    July 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nicely done. Do a spell check there are a couple of misspelled words here but close enough to let the reader know the meaning. Good content and it sends a good message. Pen on...


  • Anewor gold member
    July 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is intense with the visuals you provided. It speaks volumes and it is also a poem that will linger in my thoughts for quite some time....


  • storiesuntold gold member
    July 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    So true so true

    A wquestion we all need to ask ourselves and in seeing this know we arent amune to this form of life for the direction we are moving in our children may see just this form of humanity


  • alesana
    July 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Amazing

    Great poem. I love the shit out of the title. It reminds me of darkest hour lyrics. Amazing!!!

  • AdulteratingDeploy
    July 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    INTENCE

    wow I really like this.
    This is amazying,
    I got chill bumps reading this,
    It was like I could hear some
    elses voice saying it to me.
    This is a really good peice of poetry.
    And I loved it, and I really like the
    first picture, it gave the little touch
    to this piece of art work.
    My favorite part was this,
    VVVVVVVV
    Don't let them hear you scream.
    After all, the walls will do the talking
    And from what I can hear, these walls
    scream rescue

    thats the part that gave me the chill bumps,
    this is beautiul.
    Good write,
    <3Kelsea


  • XScreamMeALoveSongx
    July 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is a pretty good poem. I liked it. =]

1 - 21 of 21