Saguaro cacti
backlit by the summer sun,
ebony form
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop by azure85.
600 points, ended July 24, 2008, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hi - the first two lines are very good - the images are crisp and sharp:
Saguaro cacti
backlit by the summer sun,
uplifting shape
The third line however may perhaps be better, because what you seem to be doing here is expressing an opinion about what you see. What usually works very well in a haiku is when the poet places an image in the third line which is either a contrast or comparison to the images in the first two lines. Can you think of anything like that in this environment?
I hope you don't mind my comments and suggestion.
Best wishes,
Myron.
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I appreciate the input. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing.
Thanks,
Patty
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"Silhouette"...I expected something deep in the night but you shone overwhalming light in to my eyes. I had to step back from nature's merciless glare!
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Thank you so much!
Patty
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I do not see personification in L2. Back lighting is done with Kleig lights not people.
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The cactus was backlit by the sun, therefore in silhouette. I was told that Haikus do not use personification, so I removed "marching up the mountainside". Kleig lights are used in the theater.
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Saguaro cacti,
Marching up the mountainside,
Reaching for heaven.
A nice image of the desert with those noble cacti. L2 uses personification, is there another way you could describe the line of cacti? You may revise as often as you want to until the end of the contest, thank you so much.
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