Bones fall disjointedly,
deteriorating under one auspicious touch.
While the ocean’s blubber,
for the mislaid essence,
smothered by human putrefaction.
As the Goddess lingers,
slitting the threads of life.
Author notes
20-30 Words
The Cry of Mankind by MysticCharm found at deviantart.com
I used the title and picture...hope you enjoy!
A contest entry
- Back in NZ Quickie !!! by kiwigirljacks.
600 points, ended July 8, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best AP Poet Contest by davidbetzer.
1500 points, ended August 2, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Let me know how I did....
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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contest hoodwink
I disagree with the judge. i was perfectly able to understand the sentiments. I wish you luck in future contests. -
good lines, poor synthesis
I'd lose the "one" in the second line, and that would improve the flow--mediocre start.
"The Ocean's Blubber??????????" The whole stanza wreaks of putrified beach waste. Poor Flipper.
Last stanza is worthy of a steadier hand. Well done on those last few words. Though I often find that those who write in such a quasi-minimalist fashion are making airs of intensity and depth when all they really have is a lukewarm cup of water.
If you are young you have talent, but no focus. If you are old, you are getting older.
Thanks for entering. -
Good Gold here!
Well done. A powerful write, Poetess.
Love
Myra
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Congrats Goldie ..
Well worth the weight, I must say.
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Ohh.. really like the feel of this! It's like the whole world is crumbling under the touch of mankind and the Goddess is there to slit the threads that are left...
Excellent!
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This has a vivid visualization with some beautiful vocabulary! YaY!
Only thing I'd consider is 'goddess' to be capitalized, I feel you are referring to a the Wiccan Goddess? Just a thought anywho.
Like, 'slitting the threads of life.' niceeeee.
Good Luck in the contest!
Steve
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Superb.
A visually stunning write, linguistically perfect.
This is an excellent example of your talent Vik.
Keep it up.
'D'
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Beautifully worded and versed with excellent flow,
Awesome Vocabulary and command of the English language.
Well Done & Best of Luck in Jackie's Contest!
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