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a pessimist's prediction

beat down by my blame
brain bending
toward faulty fortune telling
my childhood innocence
fell on a fearsome fate
tumbled through the tumult
distorted and unrecognizable
his lies lead me long distances
against all or nothing odds
I concluded I should be sinless
instead of making my mistakes
feeling guilty and human
I am now a mistake
showered in shame
mind reading misery in my mother's eyes
my mental filter overloaded
picking out the positives
in the subconscious soup
liquid leftover labels
stupid silly spacey scarred
damaged goods
the cuts will only continue to consume
seasoning the buffet of blame

Author notes

I'm in a mood. This is about the feelings that are creating that mood.

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Comments


  • kareneisenlord gold member
    August 22, 2008

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    Goodness. This is pungeant with the pain and sadness of a child's innocense lost and all of the deceit and confusion that created a maze of guilt and low self-esteem. I identified word for word. I am an abuse survivor also and I recognized everything that you speak of. You are not alone dear. I so feel for you. There is hope!

    I loved the metaphor of the buffet of damaged goods that you created at the end. That was excellent, and;
    "my mental filter overloaded". Did I know that feeling all to well throughout my life!

    Thank you for sharing this with us. There are many who have been through this as well; each in our own way, but the wounding is much the same for each of us.

    I wish you all of the healing and light in the universe!

    Blessings,

    karen


  • HeavensDaughter
    August 21, 2008

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    I see in this poem the journey into self blame that abusers have taught us so well to do. All the crazy thoughts and feelings that get triggered and cause more crazy thoughts and feelings.

    And sometimes, they are triggered all over again by things in that happen in the present that bring the past all up again...right in our faces. The past and present connect and we wonder how we will get through it.

    There is no shame in the now...no blame in the now. It is all the old ideas from the past...triggered into the now.

    You express it well in this poem. I hope you can move beyond all of this into triumphant joy...even though the past moves into the present in ways that are unpleasant.