Good Mourning in the Catholic Synagogue for Agnostics

As the sun grants light to the earth
It darkens the shadows around you

Good mourning

It’s April 18, 2045
And I’ve just died

But I’m not afraid because someone once told me
It is death that enables me to love life
That enables me to love you

I passed on like lamb’s blood
Like ducks and geese or hopscotch
Like children’s games
Innocent
And not paying mind to anything that just happened

But I can’t keep my back turned
When I hear tears break through your eyes
Like those dams just weren’t strong enough
So you continue to curse the sky praying the floods to end
And I know you think no one is listening
But I hear you
I just can’t respond

Please, don’t be sad
I already feel guilty enough about leaving you alone

No matter how much I want to dry your tears
No one can do that but you
And you know I never intended for you to celebrate my life
By mourning my death

I wanted the big band funeral
I wanted children hitting piñatas and playing sunka
I wanted people dancing
The Jews would’ve danced the hora
While the Filipinos would’ve thrown money into the circle
Because they just didn’t know what to do next

I wanted my funeral to be held at the catholic synagogue for agnostics
Everyone would’ve entered and laughed
Because they all knew that’s the perfect place to pray

Baby, I wish I could just speak to you
Or could’ve told you these things before I died.
With or without regrets in life
I wish I could go back to 2008
With 20/20 hindsight
And tell myself a few things

Like

I know it may hurt sometimes
But rip that band aid off and let it out
Put it down on paper
Put it into words
And let it out
Let its release be that which makes you well

And stop worrying
About whether or not you’re going to get Alzheimer’s
Cause believe it or not, even if you do
That’s all the more reason to live for today
Instead of wasting it away
Worrying about tomorrow
Because tomorrow never really exists
It’s always either today or yesterday
And yesterday is gone
So live up and move on

And no one cares
If you have hair or shave your head
Or if you’re the only Filipino in the world with Jewish hair
Braided into corn rows

And that stomach of yours that you just can’t get rid of,
Don’t sweat it
Because you have a woman that loves you
Not despite it, but regardless of it

And even though you’ve spoken the words, “I love you”
To her every day for the past two years
Brother, you have not said them enough.

And let me leave you with this:
Don’t be afraid of death
Without it you can never truly live
Honor it by living your life and loving your family
And remember to speak on the way you want to die
The same way you lived
The occasional tear
Supported by the strength of smiles and laughter
Dancing the hora in the catholic synagogue for agnostics