she needs to go for a walk
because her thoughts are loud and frenzied
like ravens squawking
in the branches of a pine tree
her thoughts like ravens
thoughts like ravens
when a raven tries to fly away
the others call it back
and it circles like a problem
which cannot be solved
even when it settles
her thoughts like ravens
thoughts like ravens
a woman in black cuts weeds
from the banks of a dry canal
and tells her it's good for the brain
boiled in water and sipped
with a spoonful of sugar
and thoughts like ravens
thoughts like ravens
more ravens arrive
in the tall pine tree
and she finds herself
gazing at them as her thoughts
rest under shifting clouds
her thoughts like ravens
thoughts like ravens
A contest entry
- Supercalifragilisticexpealidocious!!! come play :) by sailor ptolema.
1000 points, ended July 12, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do I need to give more clues about the types of thoughts?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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What a beautiful piece with some
lovely imagery throughout. I love
it when a writer is able to capture
nature so well as you did here.
Thanks so much for sharing this here
and congratulations to you on your
trophy for this piece. Keep up the
wonderful work here!
Jeremy0826 -
Nice sullen imagery to paint a hopeful darkness exposed. Interesting piece of thought penned within these lines. Provoking and powerful presence throughout. Nicely done!
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sullen
Thanks for your nice report. I appreciate it.
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wow.. nicely portrayed here... very dramatic and very rich in imagination... this is very good I enjoyed it! cograts on the silver!
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the image of thoughts as ravens is excellent. thanks for this write and congrats on the silver.
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this was awesome
congrats on the silver, you deserved it.
awesome poem. your imagery was excellent!
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Wow..I can see more people liked it
It's great...
XXJeannette
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woah, this is really good! congrats!
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well done
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Wow. That was absolutely fantastic. You did an excellent job. Well deserving of the trophy.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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Your first stanza has a direct approach with simple reasoning that feels so eloquent...
"the others call it back
and it circles like a problem
which cannot be solved"
I think everyone encounters problems like that...well-written.
"and tells her it's good for the brain"
Oh I love this!!
And nice inclusion of the prompt.
Congratulations on your Silver (:
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Congrats~
~Pt
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Well written and worthy of the silver it won
☼Becky☼
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AH! I get the distinct imagery of the girl sitting on the park bench from my last contest. I like how you tied it in, in a bitter-sweet way . I like that the ravens become circling problems, nit-picking annoyances. The woman in black intrigues me, I think of a witch doctor, but also Mary Poppins, because of "banks" which is the last name of the children...so, if that is a play on words, it's most clever, and I applaud you on that snippet of discreet intertextuality!.
A very unique take on the prompt. Thank You for entering my contest!
& g'luck!
~Pt
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"like ravens squawking
in the braches of a pine tree"
Should be 'branches'...otherwise, great simile full of strong imagery
"of a dry canal"
Love this..
good luck !!
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Yes. That ending is much stronger. I also find your line change in stanza three to be much better, though I'm uncertain of "once its". Maybe just:
"and tell her it's good
for the brain
boiled in water and sipped
with a spoonful of sugar"
- But that's just an idea really. Not a suggestion.
I just don't think the addition of "once its" is necessary.
; -
My goodness, your free form stuff is really taking off. That first stanza is quite effective. I wish I had though of it. Nit-picks:
"and shouts to her that it's good"
- I felt like this line was a little overly explanatory. Perhaps you might want to consider trying to tie it into the writing better, if you keep it at all. I'm also not sure how I feel about the last two lines? I think you may want to consider trying to make the imagery there less cliché. It just feels like the ending didn't come as naturally to you as the rest of the poem.
I very much enjoyed this though.
Yes indeed.
;
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