IM SORRY CATY (please hear these SCREAMS)

i know you want to hate me.
i know i left you alone
          (trust me it was not my intention)
sorry is the only word i can mutter.
because its the word holding the tears back.

i know you needed someone
            (trust me, i needed you.)

i just wanted you to be somewhere where you take comfort.
not whilst my parents were crying.
guilt was my only friend last night
        (oh wait i think misery enjoys my company)

i choke back the lump in my mouth as i hear your voice on the other side of the phone
                (numb, but so upset)

of course i want to see you through it all
and i would never ever let you fall.
the words are honest,
and would never lie to you.

please see that this hurt i seemed to of caused you would NEVER EVER be planned,
designed,
and especially, meant.

although this sounds selfish,
i will blame it on my parents
    (because it really was their fault)

so i beg of you,
just tell me how to make it better
if this poem isnt enough
then i will write a million more.
look at me
this may be pathetic
but laugh at me;
give me what i deserve.

did you really think that i didnt want to see you that night?
OF COURSE i did.
i would have doe almost ANYTHING to have you by my side.
but of course i was a mess.
and i didnt want to drag you down with me.

so just tell me where we go from here.
because honestly,
im lost.
and now im calling out.

dont tell me its ok,
you know i really dont believe you.
so this is my plea,
to renew a friendship thats always helped me through

please just talk to me now,
show me how it will get better.
tell me how.