You pulled me in
And left me lay
You're nothing like what you say.
Drawn by your smile,
Stayed for your "love"
Didn't mind a push or a shove.
Now I can see
That you aren't for me
All that's left of me lies in ash and debris.
Trapped in your grasp
My feelings have passed
Yet I cannot believe
I let myself be so harassed.
Author notes
'Georgia you're my hero'
Author name: and234
Prompt: "I have to be with you to live, to breathe, you're taking over me." Taking Over Me
A contest entry
- Nightwishes for Evanescence and Lacuna Coil by ShadedRequiem.
450 points, ended July 22, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Surprise me :P by Georgia La Mariposa.
500 points, ended July 8, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Ya know, this works. You have some good metre going here; I'd work on the rhythm of lines 3, 9 & 13. Read it out loud and feel what happens. Some sugestions: "You're nothing at all like what you say." "All that's left is ash and debris." "I let myself be harassed." I'm not happy about that last one, but I bet you can come up with something better.
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I love this, great take on the prompt good luck L
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This is a good poem, but he second line of the first stanza doesn't really make sence. I think you could make this poem a lot beter.
Alyssa
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