the insides of eyelids
call me to stay where i am
before all the nonsense
of living comes rushing back
the mattress curved just so
body pulled in like a child in fetus
longing for one more nap inside
ears hear the crazy lady across the drive
obscenities about christ and our president
pulling the covers up i turn the other way
sleep glasses tune out the light
and the low music on the laptop is
calling me to sleep some more
but that damn alarm is blaring now
sore feet hit the hardwood
with a slap of the wrist
silence
good mornings are always a day late
Author notes
this piece was kinda hard in the beginning when the concept was coming in... how do you write about what is unwritten about??? got that... well enjoy...
In a list
A contest entry
- Notice the unnoticed by Dienush.
900 points, ended July 18, 2008, 16 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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well done
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I liked it.
i experience that anxiety of waking up all the time..especially in the summer. Then there's those annoying people you hear outside your window. This has an interesting concept and is a great read. GOOD WORK!
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i like to hide in sleep also, its an escape from the reality...and then theres restlessness and tossing and turning, yet it's a convienence to cover up consciousness and the pain of thinking of the garbage that goes on everyday..excuse me for the cynicism....
ty
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First off, I would get rid of 'the' on the first line as I think it is unnecessary. This is just stylistic of course. That first line is VERY vivid, and I love the imagery involved. Again 'the' in the start of your next stanza seems unnecessary to me. As well as 'in' after pulled on your second line. Other than that, I love the simile! I can actually picture the crazy lady across the drive (we all have one, mine was named wanda...she was def crazy *laughs) The end of the fourth stanza I would either exchange 'some' for 'once' or drop the two end words entirely. 'Damn' I liked your use of this. Casual, as if we were actually thinking it. The ending is JUST perfect! I love it. I have only one more editorial note, this is probably your style, but lowercase 'I' is bugging me. I would capitalize all of them. Anywho, this flowed really well, with the feeling of a story writ in stanza form. A lovely write that I very much enjoyed reading.
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First off, I would get rid of 'the' on the first line as I think it is unnecessary. This is just stylistic of course. That first line is VERY vivid, and I love the imagery involved. Again 'the' in the start of your next stanza seems unnecessary to me. As well as 'in' after pulled on your second line. Other than that, I love the simile! I can actually picture the crazy lady across the drive (we all have one, mine was named wanda...she was def crazy *laughs) The end of the fourth stanza I would either exchange 'some' for 'once' or drop the two end words entirely. 'Damn' I liked your use of this. Casual, as if we were actually thinking it. The ending is JUST perfect! I love it. I have only one more editorial note, this is probably your style, but lowercase 'I' is bugging me. I would capitalize all of them. Anywho, this flowed really well, with the feeling of a story writ in stanza form. A lovely write that I very much enjoyed reading.
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I love this write. Love the internal monologue style and the images you paint with your words. If you don't mind one small suggestion (please take it with the proverbial grain of salt), in line 6 like a child in fetus...like a child in the womb? Just a thought. Love the poem and congrats on the silver.
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I really loved this.. you did a wonderful job .. the imagery and emotion was just really heartfelt and moving! You did a really good job!!! congrats on the silver! thanks for sharing!!
Angel
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i love this
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It might have been hard for you to write this but I enjoy the end result. You use concrete imagery and detail well. I must say, the title seems to kind of lack creativity and it didn't really make me eager to read this, and the first stanza seems a bit too pretentious for my taste, which weakened the poem in my eyes. The rest, however, has a nice mixture of description, detail, pauses, and vagueness. I think my favorite part was the third stanza, it just feels like the most powerful and real and is, though very to the point, a bit mysterious. I also like the laptop playing music reference, that really is something very usual in our day-to-day lives that people seem to forget about when writing poetry. I also loved the ending - such irony. Though I'm not sure if I haven't heard that line somewhere... maybe I just read your poem before but forgot. But, just to make sure, is it a quote? Anyway. It might just be that it's so clever it delivers that "how-come-I-never-thought-of-that" impression. Nice work here. thanks for your entry.
~Diana
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