gold flecks danced for me,
stars trapped inside your two open windows.
as your eyelash curtains fluttered
i cooed in your ears, little shells
listening and waiting to hear oceans.
you cooed back, singing a siren language
learned from deep inside me.
i counted all your toes and fingers,
twenty perfect blooms. those blossoms
waver in the wind, searching into the sky,
the sea, the new land around you
reaching only for me.
i landed into your love accidentally,
the innocence of you cleansing me
like bathing in the fountain of youth.
Author notes
a love poem.
please comment/critque.
no fluff!
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- a bird falls into the sea by hilly.
1000 points, ended July 20, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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describing fingers and toes as blossoms is gorgeous. (is that considered fluff? if so, my bad)
i feel like the last lines are really strange, about the innocence of them cleansing you as well, because you don't mention the innocent aspect of the character anywhere else in the poem. that really bothers me because it makes the poem seem disconnected. -
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explain why the character wasn't innoncent?
not that i'm ignoring you're comment, i just want
to know why so i can fix it. the character is a baby
and i just realized that that may not be clear at all.
thanks for the comment!
peace to all ~flight -
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oh, no no no. you misunderstood, i'm not saying that the character couldn't be innocent, but we get nothing that suggests that prior to the last lines. that's all i'm saying, if you like it, keep it. its your poem.
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but it really isn't what i like
write for the reader, it's their poem too.
thanks again.
peace to all ~flight
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aw, man.
i gotta be a little fluffy.
it's really sweet.
but uh...i have no critques. 'cept maybe continue with bloom instead of blossom. but either way is fine.
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