Got lost and found me in the dark, so I took me back, back to the start,
where boy met girl, and girl met boy.
[...and now]
as clocks speed by
void of sound,
those twisting steps
spin me around.
and I'm alone.
I'm by the stream
where I don't hate
my crowded dream,
but you, you're
a tangled mouse
existing
in an empty house.
and babe this thing
well...
[it's confusing]
It's way over my head.
...I'd been thinking
we were dead.
and dusting cobwebs,
hey..they said
...we're drawing lines
and I've been blind.
[yes I've been blind]
but now
I'm jumping in.
and...
as I swim
I can
feel,
...the touch
of your
skin
[getting closer.]
Author notes
Option 3. Confusion.Story poetry. Music inspired and hidden titles.
I mite still edit. Any feedback appreciated.Blankscreen2222.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H4i537ovuwg&feature=related
A contest entry
- Calling All Abstract Poets!!!! by PerfectImperfection.
600 points, ended August 3, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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A very creative piece of thought in rhythm of confusion, remnants of love's tune - humming along. Well penned piece. I especially enjoyed:
"but you, you're
a tangled mouse
existing
in an empty house.
and babe this thing
well...
[it's confusing]"
.. a well flowing, & somewhat humorous inclination to pondering the balance ..
"yes I've been blind]
but now
I'm jumping in.
and...
as I swim
I can
feel,
...the touch
of your
skin"
.. Just loved these lines..
Thank you for your entry!
-
thats pretty good, thanks for entering
-
A definite must read, over and over again. It's going to be added to my favorites. This poem has such thoughtful depth and is a very poignant piece.
I wish you the best in the contest
Dee
-
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Thankyou.
-
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Lovely
Very Nice B
Delightful to read and rhymes nice too.
Oli
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Wow. This is definitely an amazing poem. I loved how it flowed so nicely and it was so incredibly well written.
"and babe this thing
well...
[it's confusing]
It's way over my head.
'cause...I'd been thinking
love was dead."
Definitely my favorite lines. I know how that feels. Very descriptive. Thank you so much for entering & I wish you the best of luck ! ♥
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Think you should leave it as it is, I really like it, it is very creative and interesting.
Loved the opnening lines as well.
Excellent piece
James
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this is really good, i just sent my husband a link on messenger so he could read it too. it actually gave me chills and that is doing pretty good if i do say so myself.
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I absolutly loved the poem, flowed great and rhymed great I look forward to reading more like this
Lucian" -
I like how it's written; it seems both deliberate and effortless, and is captivating. It seems almost like some sort of song ... I liked the use of echo for certain lines. It was captivating and enjoyable. Good job ^_^
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made in the shade.. babe
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excelent my owl
good luck in the contest
xx cheeky xx
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I like it
I really like this line:
"but you, you're
a tangled mouse
existing
in an empty house."
I often feel like that...heheheh -
Very unique! I really enjoyed this read...
Full of fantastic lines and images, and a great flow.
This one line: well... it's got confusing
maybe change 'it's' to 'it' ?? Just a suggestion...that tripped the flow a bit for me...but it really could just be my take.
Very well written! Good luck in the contest!
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Awesome
I enjoyed this piece. It has a nice loving feel. Pen on fellow poet...
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