Shape your fragile whispers with the tip of your ice-cold tongue
I hear a gently loving song hidden in each one.
Your breath is light and precious, and your heart more precious still
For it is the heart and not the mind from whence comes artistic skill.
Share with me your beauty, dear. I've condemned you to my love
So what are these frigid whispers filled with abhorrence from above?
No need to be so bitter, dear, in determining soft words spoken
Obduracy won't turn me away. My heart's not so easily broken.
Acerbity will not bring to my lonely heart dismay.
Dereliction is but a wall of slowly crumbling clay.
Asperity can't wound me; I'll only love you more.
Musicians never tuned me, but I sing from my heart's core.
Shatter these cold visions of ice; I want my stolen dreams
Your hatred cannot drown me if it froths in frozen streams.
I'm dismissing all temptations until I obtain my sweetest one
So shower me in whispers from the tip of your ice-cold tongue.
Author notes
I've picked the option 4-17. I've worked hard on this poem, and I hope that you can see the effort that I've put into this. You'll find my username at the end of these notes, but I hope you'll still judge this contest fairly, that is, by the quality of my poem instead of by who I am.
To those who left helpful comments: Thank you! Thank you all for answering my call and criticising my work. There's nothing like a reader to tell the writer which spots aren't right. Special thanks to Hetha, first of them all. Thanks!
Shya
- Do you want your poem read group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Fifty Options --- Big Points --- FIFTEEN MORE!!!!!!!! by x--nocturnia--x.
2000 points, ended August 27, 2008, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites round contest #1 by serenity silvermoon.
425 points, ended December 27, 2008, 86 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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the love is so evident and the style is pretty as well as your words. everything is perfect!
kAsSie
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Your contest is over / just enjoyed the read
Thank for posting, very intense - I loved your ending ...
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What an intense write, and yes, the effort was well worth it! Fabulous job!
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Amazing
Wow this is an amazing poem! It reads so beautifuly. Wow this is very well writin and id be surpirised if you didnt place in the contest! Great write
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It is very good
very effective imagery, I can feel the intense love for the person in every word. I can find no fault with it.
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very good i can actually feel all the emotion behind this poem ..excellent writer...great poem
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ohhhh wow i like!
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very intense write, and wonderful imagery
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Thanks... but was there anything that you didn't like about the poem? Any bits of imagery that weren't consistent? Any parts you found a little too intense, or not enough? I'm still revising this, so you can give me criticism.
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For it is the heart and not the mind from whence comes artistic skill.
this is great, you could have just wrote this line, and i would have been sold. it is a great piece of poetry, and i think that you will do fine when you enter your contest. -
Wow! What a really nice. There was definately a strong emotion behind it that I could feel straight away. I really got the message of love <3 Even though I loved the whole poem, my favourite line was "Musicians never tuned me, but I sing from my heart's core." Its beautiful, I absolutely loved it,
GREAT write
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Well I like the pooem as a whole and I can feel the love behind it, Im pretty sure i got the message that you really love this person or want them.
In the last line you want to cut out the word sweet, well I think you should and put "your ice-cold tongue"
I say that so that in the begininng line when you speak of Whispers and how it begins so bascically repeating it would be as though your like asking once more for the ice cold whisper cuz you want it.
But this is jus my thought. But i really liked it. Good luck in your Contest. Need anything else just ask.
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Thank you so much for your help!
Hmm... I will think about that. That really would make the poem sound much better; It would kind of "end at the beginning". Thanks for your thought... I will change that now...
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I like your rhyme pattern in couplets, with the last couplet being sort of a slant rhyme. I would not have been able to tell your prompt was a word bank, you fit them in so seamlessly, and still get your message across in a unique and beautifully done way. You are definitely increasing in skill. While some may critique you on line length, my opinion is different, I say, don't fret over it, your punctuation and poetic rhythm stays strong and consistent throughout, as well as deep and profound.
I get knocked all the time for my irregular meter, but I too am learning. I think it your voice and artistic skill with the way you state your words, that holds more weight. Excellent in my humble opinion. Original and unique.
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Thank you for this comment...
... but did you get the message of the poem? Could you feel the emotion? I'm lucky to have someone else to critique this before I send it to the judges, so do not be afraid to speak harsh words. If there's any line that seems to miss just one syllable, or any tiny detail that doesn't make sense, just tell me.
Thank you for your time. =)
Shya's happy! -
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"No need to be so bitter, dear, in determining soft words spoken
Obduracy won't turn me away. My heart's not so easily broken."
Although this is one of my favorite parts, I loved the whole poem.
I remember reading "Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen, way, way back in school. This is what emotions it brought to mind. One person obviously gives loving adoration, while the other is taking more time to warm up to the other, afraid that they might actually love this person, after they swore to themselves that they dislike them. Also brings to mind "Anne of Green Gables" by L.M. Montgomery, in how Gilbert feels about Anne. I really related very well, as I have been in these types of relationships before. If I'm off the mark, than let me know.
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