The dark lonely path I follow,
slowly going,
Nowhere.
A contest entry
- Haiku Workshop by azure85.
600 points, ended July 24, 2008, 60 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honest Opinions Please
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I love ones like this...s few words but it says so much...and most times leaves you thinking.
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I like the feelings I get when reading this...as dark as they may be. I think the use of nowhere as a final line really packs a great punch. If this is truely how you are feeling...I hope things get better for you
~Jillybean128 -
Haiku is best when
image and tone are the devices used as a means of expression.
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I like Azure's suggestion for you. The lonly resignation of your poem lends itself well to haiku, in my mind. But I think that your accent should be placed on the environment that evokes your feelings rather than on the emotions themslves.There is plenty of feeling in these few lines, i think what they need is a clearer landscape to frame them.
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...better than going nowhere fast!
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I walk this dark lonely path
To my destination,
Nowhere.
A haiku contain sets of images, that allows the reader to interpret feelings and emotions. Your lines are statements-and could be rewritten in other ways to bring out the feelings expressed.
along the dark path
footsteps
leading nowhere
There are lots of ways you can rework this, with the same depth of feeling. You may revise as often as you desire until the closing. Thank you so much.
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