I spent the 4th of July
out and about in the rain,
camping in the national
forest of Snoqolamie, WA.
I had the chance, with not
much else to do, to speak
to a friend about my poems
and my convent experience.
You'll never believe what he
said; how I should look at it.
We talked, and I agreed, that
in retrospect I was thankful.
Thankful that I was able to
help save a congregation that
was falling apart by the
actions of its own members.
But my friend said that I should
also be thankful to God that I
was chosen as His tool to make
such drastic changes for good.
We did not speak for very long,
for he has not read all of what
I've written - my poetry numbering
somewhere near the two hundreds.
I thought about it, and honestly,
I have mixed feelings about it.
I felt betrayed, as a bride, as a
wife to have gone through what I did.
My friend consoled me, saying that
my sufferings were not mine alone,
they were His as well; it took me back
to a dream I had before the convent.
I saw a crucifix, and only that.
And on it Jesus was nailed down,
all but one hand, which He had
extended out to me...
It all started to make sense.
But I think it will take some
time before I can actually say
to God in my prayers: "Thank you,"
"Thank you for letting me share
in Your pain, in Your agony, in
Your redemptive suffering to save
the ones You chose to carry on;
To continue that mission the Father
sent You on, to give the Good News."
I know I should say it; it's true.
But honestly, I felt betrayed and used.
Why would God put someone in a
convent just for that, although
somebody had to do it...why me?
I prayed and I asked God:
"Why, why didn't You just tell me
what You wanted me there for and
let me delude myself I was to be
Your eternal bride, Yours for life?"
"Why didn't You just tell me that
I was only to be there for a time and
a season, for a purpose all Yours?"
And He answered me quite clearly:
"If you knew what would happen to you,
even in the future from now, even way
back then when I called you - you
never would have gotten out of bed
to face the day, the tasks ahead."
Author notes
Thanks, Pete.
In a list
Agree or Disagree; you can't shake my faith.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Engaging.
Thanks for this.
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What can be harder than to take up the cross, and be thankful for having done so. This is a very courageous write, presented with simple beauty and a natural story teller's gift. I say bravo to you!
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Jenny, I LOVE this! I have been in exactly the same place, (not as a nun), I mean mentally and spiritually...and I have asked God the same question, and He gave me the same answer..."you never would have done the task I had for you if you knew the answer first..." Wow! Thanks! Very powerful write!!!
faith
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This is beautiful. Loved it. It almost made me tear up again. It's full of so much beauty and love. Incredible! I can't even pick out my favorite lines because the whole thing was just ahmazing. Thank you so much for entering & best of luck to youuu ! ♥
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THIS IS AWESOME, THIS IS LIFE
HOW WOULD WE GROW?
HOW WOULD WE HAVE COMPASSION?
THE MEMORY OF PAIN, HELPS US TO HELP OTHERS
TO LIVE A LESSON IS TO LEARN A LESSON
GOD IS VERY CLEVER.
AS IS YOUR BEAUTIFUL WRITE.
I BELIEVE YOUR FINDING YOURSELF
EXCELLENT MY FRIEND
GOD BLESS...
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Your friend is an angel. This is good for you. You just need more faith!
Your trials on earth will just make it easier for you to enter Heaven. -
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So I am told
Dad and Pete (both ministers in the Church-you name it, including deacon) were saying that my being a bride to Christ never stops(not sure if he was speaking dogmatically of the the Church ergo the Church member as the bride of Christ, as St. Paul says)...it continues; if I get married, it means that He is sharing me, extending His reach and His love to others, even into the future with children. Dad was saying that the love he and mom invested in each other in Holy Matrimony is bearing fruit 30 years from when they got married, with more and more family-Trish's kids, etc.-as they hoped 30 years ago. He was trying to explain the exponential increase of God's reach of love to the world by biblical examples: 1st Adam and Eve, a couple; then Abraham, a clan; next Moses and the 12 tribes; David and the nation of Israel; then Jesus and the whole world. A lot to take in over a few days, but I think I've grasped it.
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